Why now?

I’m not sure why now to be honest.  Why make these changes. Why try to lose 200 pounds?  The thought alone is daunting to say the very least.  I mean, I’ve tried this before and I failed terribly.  Well, not actually terribly, I’ve even lost 50 pounds before, but gained it all back and another 30 or so to boot.

SO WHY?!?

1) I’m tired of being fat.  Aside from the fact that I’m just a heart attack or a stroke away from the end of my life.  I’m just tired of being fat and all that comes with it.  Being tired all of the time, never finding clothes that fit, always feeling like the outcast, never feeling sexy and/or comfortable in my own skin, I mean, let’s be real — this list goes on and on.

2) I don’t want to die.  Yes, I’m only 28 [Yeh, almost 29 actually] and I fear dying at an early age, all because I didn’t know how to put the fork down or because I didn’t get my lazy ass off of the couch.  Both my mother and my father are obese and both have diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure… my dad even had his toes amputated — he’s only 57.  I don’t want that to be my end game, that’s only 30 years from now.  If that’s what I have to look forward to, then I want to change my life — as soon as possible.

3) I want to feel desired and be sexy.  But first, what is up with my obsession for lists?  Anyway, I’ve always been the girl that sits on the sidelines and watched my friends enjoy their lives as small people.  I mean, my fat ass can barely stand, let alone dance and boogie down on the dance floor [Maybe I’m uncool for being fat, but part of me says some of that uncoolness comes from me just saying ‘boogie down’].  No one wants to dance with the girl that’s twice their size.  NO ONE.  I totally don’t blame them either — I know I wouldn’t.

4) I want to fit in.  All of my life I’ve always felt like that puzzle piece that made it’s way from one puzzle piece to another.  I didn’t quite fit.  But due to my occupation, I was also squeezed into those puzzles by force because I had to interact with people, I had to be social, I had to be a people person — but only on the outside.  Inside it was tortured, humiliated, miserable — ALWAYS.  Just once I would like to feel comfortable in my own body.  Just once.  I started to yearn for this feeling.  The thought of fitting in for once became my drug — still is.  I want nothing more than to not feel like I was being judged before I opened my mouth, just because I am obese.

So, I think I’m ready.  This time feels different.  I know that there will be hiccups along the way, I mean, there always are.  But who’s to say that those hiccups will not just make me stronger, give me more resolve to hit my seemingly outrageous goals… or maybe those hiccups will inspire me to be the best me that I can be…

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…but here I am!

I have to start over…

But how do you do that when all you know in life is different.

1) I’m on my own.  He moved back home to be with his family.  I’m happy that he has someone to help cope with things, but that leaves me on my own.  Single. Single Income.  & Alone with My thoughts [these are dangerous for me].

2) I’m fat.  I chose to change my life today.  Starting with my weight.  My weight and the lack of love I have for myself was the foundation for my failed relationship.  I have to learn to love me.

3) I’m still bitter.  I’m surrounded by friends who are smaller than I am, married, have wonderful families.  Sometimes I want to tell them to fuck off or kick rocks — but that’s just not lady like.

Before I can begin to even THINK of a new life and a fresh new start, I have to analyze what I want.  Why am I here, WHAT WILL BE MY LEGACY?  Okay, maybe not that serious, I mean after all I’m just an average girl trapped inside of a popular girl who’s also trapped inside of an obese 29 year old’s body.

I’m going to start by taking control of the things I can control.  I can control what I put in my pie hole [that’s my mouth for those who aren’t as random as I am] AND I can control if I get off my ass and exercise.  Control is exactly what I need right now in my life of things seemingly falling apart rapidly.

Here’s the Anti…

1) 360.6 Starting Weight [cringe]

2) Size 26 pant [oh god]

3) Size 12W shoe [bah]

4) Weight Loss Goal: 200 pounds

and so it begins…

It wasn’t supposed to be like this…

So… it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

When we were young, we were told that you go to school, you get a job, you get married, you have children and you then live happily ever after.  So, what did I miss?  Why am I 28 years old and just starting my life over.  Let’s see…

I did the whole school thing… great… I do have a career where I make a comfortable living… great… I DID have a boyfriend (8 year relationship)… and that’s where it all stopped.

There was nothing after 8 years.  I felt nothing for him.  I loved him to pieces, but more as a brother that I would give my life for — not as the love of my life that I felt deep waves of passion for.  We just grew differently.  our lives changed and BAM.

Here I am… I was left with no choice other than to evaluate my life and there were some things that I had to take the blame for:

1) I was the cause of my failed relationship.  Yes, I take FULL ownership for it.  I realized after 8 years, he was still the same person that he was when we met.  I didn’t know how important being with someone that EVOLVES and GROWS was to me, at the time.  This wasn’t his fault.  I can complain every day until I’m blue in the face, but at the end of the day — I knew EXACTLY what I was getting when I started dating him.  Had I known that personal growth and ambition was so important to me at the time — then maybe (maybe not) I would have done things a little differently.

2) I didn’t love myself, therefore I couldn’t love him the way a woman should love a man. Talk about a hard pill to swallow.  I mean, come on — feel the weight of that statement.  You see, I’ve been over weight my entire life.  A healthy dose of self loathing and hatred came right along with the extra pounds.  I could never accept that he loved me because, come on!!! How could he, when I couldn’t even love myself.  Every time he said he loved me, in the back of my mind, I would doubt it because I didn’t believe that anyone could love me.  Never did it occur to me that maybe some people aren’t shallow, maybe some people are genuine and can see straight through to the core of people.  I failed him, and I live with that fact every day.

3) I settled [see previous fault].  Yes, for the same reasons above (my very inconvenient self hatred), I am pretty sure I settled.  I was so happy to find someone that would say that they loved me (whether the motives be questionable or not), that I couldn’t say no to his love.  I had to take it, because no one else would love me.

What happened to the easy linear life we were all supposed to live.  Where did my happily ever after go?  I have quickly learned that life isn’t so easy and that things do not always come out with such happy results.  I’m sorry for all of the mistakes that I’ve made.  I’m sorry for letting my partner in life down.  Which is why it took me so long to end it.  I wanted to try, for him, I wanted to make sure.  But at the end —  I had to do what was best for both of us, and that was me suggesting that I went my own way and he went his.

Now that the tears are wiped away [mostly], I am ready to start over.  I’m not a blogger, I’m not an expert, I’m just someone who has a story to tell and wants a history of the adventure I’m about to embark on.  So whether I’m talking to my blog, or I touch one person with my story, I will be happy.

This is me in as rare form as I can be.