Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…

You are my worst enemy, but also my best friend…

My worst enemy because you are a reminder of all of the bad choices I’ve made in my life thus far.  You show me my true self, not as my mind perceives me, but as my eyes do.  You cut me deep when I feel progress and then I’m shocked into reality.  When I congratulate myself when my jeans feel looser, you are there to knock me down, only to remind me that I am still a fat ass, and regardless of what progress I’ve made, I still have a really long way to go.  You are the cause of many nights that I can’t sleep because I’m busy thinking about how life would have been if I had  made different, better choices.  Your images are there when I’m on the treadmill huffing it at 3.3 mph fighting my way towards my 5k goal each day, and a slim person jumps on the treadmill right beside me and goes full force 10 mph or higher — your images show me just why I’m limited.  The pictures you show me haunt me.  When I’m getting ready to go out with my friends and I feel better, pretty for once — one glance into your abyss and I’m reminded of why I’m here — how I got here and how much of a journey it will be to make you reflect what I feel inside.  You’ve lowered my self esteem for many years — as far back as I can remember.

Yet you’re my best friend.  You never lie to me.  Your images are always true.  You’re there to remind me of the bad decisions I’ve made so that I can be reminded of reasons not to make them again.  When you cut me deep when I feel progress, I’m reminded of the last time that I fell off the wagon because I celebrated too soon — I didn’t use your images to keep me on track.  So, now you’re here to keep me focused.  When I’m on the treadmill feeling like my hard work is pointless, your images show me what the scale sometimes can not — muscle is denser than fat.  The pictures you show me, haunt me in order to keep me from going backwards, from falling off of the wagon, you keep me motivated.

You are a sweet serendipity.  I know that I must perceive your message in the right way in order for me to be successful, THIS TIME.  I will have you as my best friend, I welcome you fully and with open arms.

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Well, hello there sweet Endorphins!!!

You’re my favorite neurotransmitter!

I wish I would have known about this dirty little secret to exercising when I was younger. Endorphins rock my socks and they make me so happy to be on this weight loss journey right now.

It makes me sad that my mother never forced me to play sports or exercise as a teen. I mean now that I think back I remember running and playing with my friends when I was younger and the sheer thrill of it was exhilarating. I wish I would have gotten to know what it was like to be an athlete. Although I can’t be completely sure that I would have maintained it, I can feel that had I been more involved in sports as a teen, I wouldn’t have ended up such a lardy adult.

So today I jogged 6k today. What made today’s 6k more miraculous than yesterday’s 5k is not that I went a further distance. I had a lot going against me and I still got up and went to the gym. mmmm another list, so yummy

Excuses that my old self would have used to not go to the gym today:

1)My gym partner bailed on me.

2)I ate stuffed peppers and felt all bloaty and heavy.

3)When I walked out of the door it was pouring down (I usually walk to my gym)… And I mean pouring… Monsoon like weather.

But, instead I put on my workout clothes and pulled on my running shoes, grabbed my water & my umbrella and left memories of my old decisions at the door.

I’m glad I did because the pay off was worth it. Almost orgasmic levels of endorphins rushed through me pushing me to hit the 6k point in my daily workout… Maybe I can do it again tomorrow!

Food… BAH!

336.6 – 24 Pounds lost.

So, I have this fear that the “plan” that I am on is all wrong and that maybe I’m fad dieting but just unaware of it.  Yeah, I feel as though I can do this for the rest of my life, but that’s so easy to say only 6 true weeks into it.  I am not following any program, but simply doing what I think is right and what feels right to me.  Only, I suddenly got this fear early this morning that maybe I’ll see success now, because I have SO much weight to lose, and any reduction in my daily caloric intake will shed some pounds.  But what about as I get closer and closer to my goal weight?

The “What if” monster is really showing off today… I guess a lot of these questions need not be answered today, so I need not stress over it?

One thing that I have noticed, however, is that I don’t like eating anything heavy.  I’m okay when I eat a light salad, or munch on some grapes, or eat a piece of fruit or cheese.  But when I eat a full grown meal, I feel heavy and gross and fat.  So maybe it’s my portion sizes when I cook actual meals?

For instance… I created a stuffed pepper recipe that is stuffed with ground turkey and topped with sharp white cheddar.  Let me tell you, it’s amazing — and if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my lifestyle change, then bring it on.  However, I ate two of them [well technically one since it was cut in half before I “stuffed” them]  and I felt like death walking.  I felt heavy, I didn’t want to exercise, and I just felt, BLAH.

So, maybe it could be that my portion sizes are off?

Granted, I would have probably ate all six of them 2 months ago when I started on this weight loss journey.  But now — maybe eating just 1 would have sufficed.  It’s hard to believe that my stomach shrunk so much in so little time that such a small amount of food would be satisfying.

I have been getting extremely good at listening to my body.  and I think I need to start eating slower in general and stopping when I’m satisfied.  I know this makes sense in theory, but in practice, I put two peppers on my plate, so I ate two peppers.  I didn’t stop between eating them to see if  my appetite had changed.

I’m thinking this is even more important with me not eating a set amount of times a day and simply eating when I’m hungry.  I’ve found out that on some days I am content with eating only once and others I can eat up to four times.  Small portions and just listening to what my body is telling me.

So, Lesson learned — Stomach smaller = less food (even the healthy stuff)!

Impatience…

336.6 – 24 Pounds Lost

I’m finding that I’m impatient. I’ve committed to myself that I will do this for the long haul. I’ve told myself that this is a lifestyle change and its ok. But now it’s just waiting. Day by day willing the weight to continue to fall off. Wishing that time would go by faster. Not necessarily that I could lose weight quicker — I definitely want to do it the right way. But I just wish that I had my revelation earlier in my life, maybe like a year ago lol. Then, maybe I would be further along on this journey.

I’ve been sailing along, but I know that their will be hiccups and I just want to get them over with already. I’m ready to be thin. I look in the mirror and I don’t see that my outsides match my insides and it’s beginning to frustrate me. I have to remind myself that it took 28 years for me to get this way, so it will take some time to fix this problem.

This is one of those situations where living in a culture of instant gratification backfires. I can’t just open up my web browser and search Amazon for “200 pounds lost” and think I will drop the weight with 2 day shipping with my Amazon Prime account. It’s not that easy. I have to stay committed, keep pushing, and most of all BE PATIENT.

It’s hard, but I know it’s necessary, therefore I must do it.

I’m one of you… I swear…

338.2 – 22.4 pounds lost.

Lately I’ve been more ashamed of my weight than I’ve probably ever have been in my entire life.  I guess now that I’ve gotten my eating habits under control.  I realized how much I ate unnecessarily.   I would start my day off with Chick Fil A and end it with Chipotle.  Shoveling unneeded calories down my trap every day.  How was I so disillusioned that I thought that was ok?  Why didn’t anyone who loved me, stop me and say WTF are you doing to yourself.  It’s like they are afraid to hurt my feelings.  Would they rather me end up dead?

I’ve picked up on subtle looks from people when I order something like a salad and hold the croutons and ask for light or fat free dressing.  Or when I’m out with friends at a bar and I order a turkey burger with no bun and hold the fries.  I get looks like, “Really, why even bother?”.  I want to scream out to them and let them know that I’m reconstructing my life.  That really, I’m one of them — I’m a part of the fit club, I just haven’t reaped all of the benefits of it yet.  I feel judged and I feel like I have a big sign on my back that says “Laugh at me, I think I can lose 200 pounds”.

What if I fail at this?  What if I gain everything back like I did last time?  I don’t think I could handle it to be honest.  Maybe that’s how I know that I will be successful this time?  Because I know that failure, this time only, is NOT an option.  If I go back to that place, where I had given up hope, or back to that place where I just figured I was meant to be fat for ever — I don’t think I could live like that anymore.

And so I go on… secretly wishing to be a part of the slim kids club.  Silently pleading to them to admit me early — before my outsides matches my insides.

Work out Motivation!

340.4 – 20.2 Pounds Lost

Rawr… I’m finally at 10% of weight lost.  *snaps*

So, I’m finding the treadmill boring, but I’m also finding ways to escape.  I read up on jogtunes.com and found that they list music based on their Beats Per Minute and makes it great to choreograph your workouts so that you feel pumped up the entire time.  This is working wonders for me.  Here’s my first playlist:

mmmm another list…

1) Adele – Set Fire to the Rain

2) Beyonce – Halo

3) Jay Z – 99 Problems

4) Trey Songz – LOL 🙂

5) Trey Songz – Say Aah

6) Lil Wayne – Lollipop

7) Beyonce – Diva

8) Lil Wayne – A milli

9) Ludacris – How Low

10) Nicki Minaj – Blazin’

11) Lil Jon – Damn

12) Nicki Minaj – Super Bass

13) DJ Khaled – All I do is win

14) Nicki Minaj – Roman’s Revenge

15) Florence and the Machine – Dog Days are Over

It’s funny how my usual music tastes are Alternative and Rock.  I was listening to this when walking and I realized that it was basically putting me to sleep.  So, I’ve found branching out of my usual musical comfort zone, I was able to really pump up my work out and rap music works great for that!  The last one is just my theme song, so I had to throw that one on there.  Either way, it still pumps me up because it get’s me all excited about life and the path I’m on.

Music… who woulda thunk…

Drumroll Please…

341.2 – 18.4 Pounds Lost…

Ok, not quite 20 pounds, but I feel so friggin close!!!

I had another good day yesterday.  I put on my running shoes and decided to hit the gym.  It was peaceful and I was basically the only one there.  I had my playlist all ready and walked into the gym. I ended up jogging 2.7 miles on my first day.  I was amazed at how easy it was to push myself.  Especially with a good pair of running shoes.  To be honest, I stopped because I got bored.  I’m thinking I’m going to set a goal of 5k every day.  I will hit over 20 miles a week with that goal and I think it’s more than doable.

The cool part of working out was that feeling when I got home and was just laying there feeling so successful.  I was dead tired and breathing heavily but I felt awesome.  I have to remember that feeling.  I have to let that moment motivate me to keep this up.  I will not fail.  I cannot fail.

While I was on the treadmill I kept saying to myself “340, 340!!”.  My new goals will be in 5 pound intervals from now on and  I will celebrate each as a major milestone and me achieving yet another great feat in my life.  I look forward towards my future now and it’s extremely exciting.