Hello… is this thing on? HELLO!

331.2 – 29.4 pounds lost so far

So I’ve been MIA for a bit. Not for a particular reason, I’ve been lurking around, reading other’s posts, commenting here and there. Mainly because I’ve been trying to make myself feel better and get motivated and even more inspired to push forward towards my weight lost goals.

I’m learning so much and it’s great to see how things are coming along with this entire new lifestyle that I’ve chosen.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED SO FAR:

1) My friends are a bad influence. I seem to make poor decisions around them. So until I can be strong around them, I am staying away from them. They do not seem to respect and support my decisions, therefore — I must separate myself from them temporarily.

2) Mistakes will happen. I’ve tripped up and fallen along the way. Like the night I ate an entire box of skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. I mean they were yummy, but it was the first time that I experienced (or identified) emotional eating habits. My boss was a jerk to me, so I felt like hell and a loser, so I ate an entire box of ice cream. Now, it wasn’t in one sitting, but who cares — it was one day, throughout the day, and it ended up being an entire box.

3) I’ve reached out for help. I got a personal trainer. This has been a fantastic experience for me and the trainer that I found is worth every penny I pay her. She seems just as excited about my goals as I am and she’s truly into making me a healthy person — all around. I love it!

4) I’m following a regimen now. At first I was just making healthier choices, but I still had in the back of my mind that I was doing something horribly wrong. So I’m doing South Beach for the sake of doing South Beach and it’s more of a mental thing because I have a program that has proven to work for so many people, now. My eating habits were actually more restrictive than this diet and maybe that will help me prevent those nights when I want to eat an entire box of icecream. Although this has only happened once — I’d like to avoid binge eating at all costs.

5) I don’t really have a number 5, I just like lists.

So, I do plan on elaborating a bit on the friends comment because that’s been something weighing heavily on me. But I’ve been up for about 20 hours and worked 12 of them, including a 90 min workout session with my trainer today. So… I’m pooped.

I am my own worst enemy…

A lot has changed in the last week.  I haven’t decided if it’s for the better or not… not yet.

I’ve stuck with my restrictive diet completely.  I’m learning and researching as I go.  But I’m stuck at the same weight I was 2 weeks ago.

I’ve had some really bad thoughts lately and they all stem from feeling like I’m failing at this already.  I feel my will power slipping away and I’m drastically grabbing at it trying to hold on as much as I can.  Now, I don’t mean that I want to revert back to how I was — because honestly, I’ve come to despise the foods and eating habits that got me to where I am currently.  Truly despise them… BUT that drive that I felt starting this outrageous journey is slipping away from me.  Doubt is starting to creep in and I’m simply feeling god awful about it.

For so long, I’ve had a poor self image and I’ve always equated that with just me being overweight.  I’ve simply thought that my self esteem was non existent because I hated myself for being fat.  I’m starting to realize that even if I would hit my goal weight tomorrow (I could only wish) — that there are still unresolved issues that I have about me in general.  I thought that I could focus solely on the things I can easily control [what I put in my mouth and what I did with my body], but I’m slowly finding that to not be the case.

I think that I have to learn to love who I am now as well.  The negative thoughts that I have now must stop now.  I can’t be as naive to believe that my negative thoughts will vanish with the weight, because frankly, I’m starting to believe that no matter how much weight I lose, I will never be good enough — to me.

This revelation, however painful, is necessary for me to be successful.  It’s almost as if my body is holding on to my excess weight despite the fact that I’ve stuck to my plan.  My body is holding on to the security blanket that I’ve allowed myself to hide behind the majority of my life.  The overwhelming stress of just existing in life as me, is keeping me fat.

I have a lot of work ahead of me… emotionally, physically, mentally…

It’s so odd how the easy part of this has been the eating properly and exercising… how backwards is that.  I know that I’m facing a plateau at the moment… but this part has been easy.  My biggest struggles so far have been my thoughts and my negativity towards myself.  If someone would have told me 2 months ago when I started this journey that my mind would be my biggest challenge in this, I would have laughed…

Nothing tastes as good as thin…ner feels.

335.6, 58.5 body fat.

We’ve heard it a million times… “Nothing tastes as good as THIN feels”… yet… I’ve never really experienced what that’s like — in my life.  However, I’m not there yet.  I’ve just begun on this journey of mine.  I have a lot to experience, but so far — being thinner is living up to this adage.

I’m finding it easier to make better choices because I’m so determined to be thin.  In the past, when attempting to lose weight, I always just thought, “I’ll lose a few pounds so that I can be average.”  I always thought that THIN was a myth for me.  This is especially true since my family spent my entire life telling me that I had ‘big bones’, so I always assumed that I would just have to deal with being on the heavier side.

Not this time… I am going ALL IN.  I can’t wait to feel what this feels like.  I’m already feeling some of this.  Things as small as my clothing fitting a lot better and my jeans not cutting into my stomach — nothing I can eat will match feeling better as me.

So… even though I’m not “thin”, I am “thin-ner”[although any sane person would say “less fat” as opposed to thinner, but hey, it sounds better] and I’m on my way towards being a better me.

Side note… I have been stagnant on my weight loss recently.  Although it appears that I dropped a pound, it’s a lot slower than my 3 lb a week trend that I’ve been on.  However, I did start tracking my body fat (and it’s a good thing I did).  I’m currently down about 3% body fat, which would probably account for my “plateau”.  I still see it as  a victory as I plug along on this weight loss journey.

 

True Life: I’m a fat girl…

I decided to only update my weight once a week — I’m thinking Sundays. With cycles, water weight, adding muscle through strength training, so on and so forth, my weight has been all over the place. I started actually using the portion of my scale that measures body fat… and um… yikes.

When I was younger, my family always told me that I was “big boned”… seriously wtf is that supposed to mean? Me, being the completely clueless adolescent that I was, accepted this bullshit excuse for me being overweight. I honestly didn’t know any better. My allowances were spent on candy, cookies, and other sugary treats — all without discipline, all without accountability. I simply thought that’s what life was supposed to be like. I mean, I was big boned overall — why would I expect to be THIN, or HEALTHY?

On to the topic that I’m ever so skillfully avoiding… body fat. When I checked for the first time on Wednesday, I was 62% fat. Yes, that’s 6-2, sixty two, LXII… any way I say it — it’s just FAT. That means that 208 pounds of me is pure disgusting FAT. Okay, point made.

To all of the people who said I was big boned:

(oh yes!, another list)

1) Roughly 123 pounds of me is bone and muscle… Considering I would never want to be @ zero percent body fat at my height [it would look super weird], even adding some fat to that, let’s say 150… Even at age 10 when I weight 210 pounds, I had 60… SIXTY pounds of extra fat on my frame. Big bones, my ass…

2) Why didn’t you educate me on the proper things to eat, how to exercise, healthy weight, the importance of staying fit…

3) You still try to shove calorie loaded food down my throat during every holiday, never once caring about my health.

I know, I’m being a bit dramatic. But the thing is… I’ve always had excellent will power. I’ve always had drive, passion, and I’ve always held myself accountable. I’m just going through a phase where my impatience is causing me to really analyze my upbringing, my personal life choices, and the behaviors that were formed before I even had a say on the type of person I wanted to be.

I’ve lived in ignorance for too long. I’ve comforted myself with the lies of “You’re tall, you look better carrying a little extra weight”, or “You’re big boned”, or “Curvy is better”… I lived oblivious of how unhealthy these point of views really were and I let them be my excuses for not getting up and doing something about it. I now hold myself accountable for the previous years of my life of ignorance. I’m educating myself, pushing myself to be more active, watching what I put into my body, immersing myself in blogs and forums to get motivated and to read personal stories, and above all else, I am determined to be the best me I can possibly be.

One day at a time…