An Open Letter to my Future Self…

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Dear Me,

As I sit here with a glass of red wine, that I’m not drinking, just holding in my hand, I think about you. The biggest question that plagues my mind is, “Did we make it?”, “Did we reach our goals?”. Or did we fail like we have in the past?

Even more so than our success or failure, I want to know did we learn to love ourselves? When I started this journey, I came across a blog that said that I should document everything and visualize what I wanted to look like. I did more than that, remember? I did some magic with Photo Shop and within a half hour you were there. Smiling back at me with a smile that hid all of the pain and the hurt we’ve been through. I started to cry, I hope you remember that day. It was the day that I decided to change my life. To change every bad habit that I’d accumulated over the course of 28 years on this Earth.

But, I’m feeling a bit… tired? Yes, tired. It’s a tedious lifestyle when you think of it. Long gone are the days that a drive thru window expedited dinner plans but also expedited our obesity as well. Working 10-12 hour days, going to school, cooking, working out, being a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt… It’s all beginning to eat away at me. It’s weakening my resolve. I need to know did we make it? Do we love ourselves? Is this worth it?

Right now, I can’t say that I’ve learned to love myself…. yet… I’m getting there. It seems that the love I feel for myself has been directly proportioned to my weight loss and I see that as being a problem. Did we figure this one out? Not knowing is plaguing me. It’s eating me alive. I’m so fearful of making it so far and failing. We are at 40 pounds lost, the highest we ever made it before now was 50 pounds. So close to the best we’d ever done. What makes us different this time?

If only you could tell me what happens. If only I could have a sense of certainty. While I have your attention, I need you to remember a few things. If we did make it, never forget what it felt like to walk up the stairs and get winded; to not be able to fit in airplane chairs; to be looked at as if you’re subhuman because you’re obese; to cry at night after you ate 1200 calories in one setting; to feel uncomfortable in our own skin. Promise me that you’ll remember this, for it’s our only hope at maintaining our goal.

If we didn’t make it, it’s ok, and it’s never too late to start and try again. We’re determined if nothing else.

Finally, I apologize for letting us get this way. We endured much ridicule, pain, and tears solely because of our size. Had I learned sooner, maybe we could have avoided so much.

Please give me something to look forward to.

Love,
Me

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9 thoughts on “An Open Letter to my Future Self…

  1. It seems to take forever to get anywhere positive and so exhausting to have these type of thoughts on the mind for so long. That alone is where the “weight” is…the thoughts are so heavy.On the days, hell, hours or minutes even when the goals are miles away, it feels SO GOOD.

    I love this letter. It looks into a future that is positive yet brings in the past. But I would urge you to live in the present. It can be, even for moments, not too shabby.

    • Thanks for your reply. My attempts at truly loving who I am started with me taking charge to take care of myself. Eating healthy, exercising, educating myself on what to do, what not to do, and of course this blog. All of this is the part of me trying to live in the “now” and live, love, life!!

      These moments still creep in. Sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes as the outcome of something that makes me nostalgic and reminiscent of my painful past. I think it’s important, for me at least, to acknowledge these moments for they have made me who I am today.

      As always, thanks for your words. You’re totally right. I need to get much better with enjoying life today! Not who I will be but who I am.

  2. You put into words so easily what I have been trying to tell myself. Why is it so easy to be honest to others, but so darn difficult to be honest with ourselves? The anecdote about remembering how it feels to not fit in airplane seats– just brilliantly rang true with me. Thank you for sharing. It’s not easy to do, but you’re doing it seemingly effortlessly. I’m a follower of this blog, for sure. Keep us updated with your journey! Best of luck!

    • Thank you so much for your feedback,it helps push me to open up. This blog allows me to say things that I haven’t been able to say to those I care about. Maybe one day, when I’m comfortable, I’ll share it with them as well. I hope we can help each other along the way. Thanks again for sharing and for visiting my blog.

  3. Pingback: A dose of Reality… The harsh truths of lifestyle changes. « Princess Inc.

  4. amazing post, and great idea! I think writing a letter to your future self is an excellent idea to stay motivated and to see where we want to be in the future. I may well try this technique.

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