A dose of Reality… The harsh truths of lifestyle changes.

20120822-202728.jpg

I hit a wall. After my last post, “An Open Letter to my Future Self“, I talked about the feeling of being tired and of wanting to know if all of the changes that I’ve been making will be worth it. Well, when I posted that I was teetering on the edge of something crazy. Since then I had a bit of a break through. I needed time away from life in general. I needed time away from how difficult my new lifestyle has been.

This may sound like an excuse, and although it sorta is, there is some substance to my thought process, I promise.

I took 3 weeks off from work, I turned off my cell phone, I drove 3 hours away from home, and here I am sitting in a hotel, writing this entry in what I’ve now adapted as my public diary. This past week, I’ve gone completely off the reservation so to speak. I’ve indulged, and over indulged. I started my vacation with working out, that went out of the window about 2 days into this. I’ve done things on a whim and whatever it is that I wanted to do.

Here’s where my sorta excuse comes in. I started this journey cold turkey. I just stopped everything. I didn’t gradually stop drinking sodas, one day I was, the next day I wasn’t. This was 4 months ago, in this time I’ve lost 40 pounds (I’m sure I’ve gained some back over the last week). I submerged myself back into the lifestyle that I had. Lazy, no exercising, no self accountability. At first it was like “Welcome Home”… Then there were the nightmares, the inability to sleep, the depression, the self hate… it all came back. The carb and sugar highs and crashes have been brutal. The inactivity is killing me literally.

So, today, I stared myself down in the mirror. I never look in the mirror. I mean yeah, I glance in it and remember how much I hate what I look like. But not today, today I REALLY looked at myself in the mirror. Looked myself in the eyes and asked myself what I wanted. What I TRULY wanted. Did I want to feel like crap after eating things that had absolutely zero nutrition value? Did I want to continue to eat empty calories and not food that helps energize not only me but my soul?

I pushed myself to make a decision. I walked along the beach and spent time with my thoughts. I sat with myself and I just allowed myself to choose. I had to decide which path will make me ultimately happy. I gave myself the option. To go back to how I was or to kick it into high gear and do this thing once and for all. I want my head to be in the game. I’m sick of my worries, my fears, my self image issues. I want to make a decision to choose happiness, and to be happy because I’m making better life decisions.

So I chose fitness, no more bs. I was virtually perfect up until 7 days ago. 7 days out of the last 120 days… I allowed myself to be less than perfect. Less than 6% of failure. I can’t allow myself to get caught up on the fact that I went completely off track. Tomorrow, it’s business as usual. Back on the program. I owe it to myself to do just that.

Harsh truth? Its tough changing your lifestyle after a lifestyle of ignorance and not holding myself personally accountable for the way that I’ve ended up. I have to remind myself that only 1.1% of my life has been healthy. 1.1%… My only focus right now is to steadily increase that number, it’s like an alcoholic and how many days that they’ve been sober. How many days have I lived a fit lifestyle. That’s my focus. That number can only go up from here. It’s my duty to myself to ensure that it happens.

Coming toe to toe with yourself isn’t an easy thing to do. Actually it’s pretty damned hard. I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m making mistakes along the way. More than anything, I’m being completely honest with myself. That in and of itself is the best freaking feeling ever.

Advertisements

22 thoughts on “A dose of Reality… The harsh truths of lifestyle changes.

  1. Glad to read, that you are back on track. Everyday is a new challenge, and a new struggle and comparing it to the struggles of an alcoholic definitely is true. Sending you a big load of motivation! You can do it!

  2. Yes, you can do it! You can accomplish many amazing things if you believe you can. The physical part is easy, the mental part is hard. Sounds like you’re winning that battle.

  3. The hardest part about adapting to a healthy lifestyle is being completely honest with yourself. You have looked in the mirror and taken the first step and told yourself, ‘enough is enough’. Congratulate yourself on those efforts. Celebrate the little victories. Tell yourself that you can and will succeed. If you slip up, tell yourself that you have learned from your mistakes and that you’ll know what to do the next time. All good things ahead!

    I wrote an article awhile back about falling off the wagon and getting back on. It happens to everyone. Best of luck!

    http://missionabspossible.com/2012/07/12/fall-off-the-wagon-get-back-on/

    • Thanks for that link. It does help. I totally relate to the sugar intake parts. I had Cinnabon. That night I felt horrible. It wasn’t even satisfying. Today I made some extremely healthy stuffed peppers… It was like home sweet home. Tasted great and no guilt to go with it. I’m feeling much better now. It feels better to know that I’m not the only one to experience set backs such as these. Thanks again for your help as always. 🙂

  4. Good for you! Sometimes setbacks happen but as long as you learn from them and strive to do better afterwards I don’t think they’re necessarily a bad thing. I think it’s good that you’re not beating yourself up for getting off track -you just learned a lesson from it and now you’re back on track again. Way to be!

    • Thanks for the encouragement! Yeah, I’m trying to be positive. I worked out today and got back on my meal plan and I feel so much better. This great feeling motivates me to not go back to that place I was last week.

      Thank you.

  5. If I could count my setbacks, I’d be rich. I’d also never grow as a person. I’m in a setback…aka holding pattern now. I know it will change because learning about yourself is key to finding balance. My .02 cents.
    It’s nice and needed to get out of your element. It feels good and you can focus on YOU. Maybe you should come to Europe to lose weight with me!

    • Would totally love going to Europe with you! That’s coming up soon right? Are you excited? Are you ready? Well I’m glad that I did spend some time focusing on me. I feel a lot better since I’ve come home. I’m still on vacation but I’ve been focused on eating clean and now I can feel the contrast between eating crap foods and eating healthy ones. It’s crazy how much better good food makes us feel. Thanks again, as always for your support.

      • Yes. Mid September. So many things to get ready.
        I still have moments of eating like crap, but I let myself do it. I feel the contrast. Overall if the real food is greater than the crap food, your on the right track. Or, rather, I feel like i’m on the right track even if it isn’t perfect.

      • Really good outlook. I struggle terribly with the “it’s ok not to be perfect” parts. I’ve been so terrified that I’d fall back into my old habits that I didn’t want to risk “cheating”. But now I see that allowing myself to have a treat here and there will not hurt me.

        I even went off of my plan completely for an entire week, and here I am still standing – 3 pounds lighter than I was before my little food vacation ^.^

        I wish you the best of luck on your move and the safest of travels! You are a brave woman taking such a big step for yourself. I barely know you but I’m like super proud of you! I can’t wait to read all about your success in your new environment!

  6. This is exactly why I am embarking on a pledge to live one year without weights and measures. Here’s the routine for me: I diet, I do great, I make the proper choices and I feel wonderful. Then, I stand on the scale and discover it has only moved two pounds. Okay, I think…it’s still two pounds right? Continue on my healthy path for a few more weeks, feel the rumble in my belly when I sleep, I live hungry. I stand on the scale again, and maybe this time I’m bloated, or I had too much salt or I’m getting my period, who the hell knows, but now the scale says I’m up a pound.
    I think you can imagine what comes next. I give up, it’s too hard. It’s not working so why try?
    When in reality, if I hadn’t weighed myself, I’d be continuing on the healthy path since i FELT so great.
    My scale is sabotaging my life. I’m getting rid of it. Starting September 1st, no more weighing.
    -Amye Archer
    http://www.thefatgirlblog.com

    • I do the same. Sometimes to that same extreme that you are facing. Other times, I just feel bad for myself and I end up in a bad mental space.

      I think I’m going to challenge myself and do that too as well. Currently my personal trainer weighs and measures me monthly so I will keep that. But as for me weighing myself every morning. I’m going to stop. I actually am so obsessed with it that I have two scales and I use them to make sure that the other is correct. This is a recent bad habit that I’ve developed. This was a result of my month long plateau that I just overcame.

      Anyway. I love your idea. Maybe we can check in with each other to se how the other is doing?

    • Maybe we were long lost twins lost at birth?!? 🙂

      Or more realistically, we are just all in this together. With the same experiences, which is why we have to share the ups and those pesky little downs in order for us to keep each other motivated! I hope that all is still well in your current journey :). Keep us updated!

  7. You are doing great. Fighting the real fight is very hard. Looking at the truth of who we are is not easy at all. It seems like everything is easier for everybody else. Well it is and it isn’t. Most people just let their lives take them. They let their programming and FEAR carry their lives away. To look hard in the mirror is tough to do. To accept your fears and flaws is hard to do. It is always worth it though. In the end, you will have far more peace and happiness. The hardest stuff is the emotional/spiritual work. The biggest piece for me was allowing myself to just be human. We are not robots. We mess up. We make mistakes. We fall off wagons, etc. But the courage and determination to get back on the wagon is what separates the few from the masses. And even if people don’t consciously let you know what is going on with them, they respect you for what you are trying to do. Keep up the good work. =)

    • Thanks for checking in! I definitely didn’t give up. Life has just grabbed me and swallowed me up and I haven’t really had time to post or do anything other than school and work really. Now since one of my short classes have ended, I should be able to squeeze a little bit of time out each week to update and read the blogs (yours included) that I enjoyed for months!

      Thanks again for the follow up! It’s super sweet of you 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s