Truth #3

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I want more. A lot like Princess Ariel, I sometimes spend my days daydreaming about having more. Similar to Ariel, the “more” that I want aren’t the material things in life, I want to see the world, so to speak. Often times I feel as though my weight is a glass wall that holds me back from life. Whether that wall manifests itself as fear, lack of confidence, or any other paralyzing characteristic, it’s there and it keeps me from venturing out and being a stronger person than I know I can be.

I know that pinning everything on my weight seems like I’m taking the easy way out. But I’ve had so many encounters in my past that have validated my fear and have given me reason to “blame” my weight:

1) I’ve had people tell me that I could get a date if I lost “the weight”.
2) I’ve had jobs taken right underneath me to someone less qualified but more attractive, in one case she didn’t even apply for the position.
3) Already, even though my external confidence has dropped since losing weight (I’m backwards, I know) – I’ve gotten so much more attention than I ever received when I was heavier, and the attention level seems to be directly proportioned to my weight loss.
4) I’ve had “birdies” whisper in my ear that I should lose weight, because it’s the only thing that’s “holding me back”.

I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. We are taught as children to learn from our mistakes. Whether indirectly or directly. When we touch something hot and it burns us, hopefully, we learn not to touch it next time. But we also learn to not let harmful words effect us, and that sometimes it’s best for us to ignore them. It’s hard for me just to ignore the comments about my weight, because I have to learn from it, right?

The “more” that I want is simple, I’d like to think. I’d like to be a great mom, wife, be moderately successful, be happy, travel, and create a loving household. Yeah, I know. All things that I could have now, right? Not-so-much. I don’t exactly have guys beating down my door. I also don’t just sit around waiting either. But the truth is, guys choose my thin friends over me in every situation. I endure being the only one not dragged out to the dance floor, or not approached during dinner parties, or even the only one left at the bar during girls night out.  But I keep smiling, being charismatic, and strong – simply because that’s who I am. My failure here feeds into truths 1 and 2. Although I can pretend to be happy in public, until I learn to truly love myself, I should not bring anyone into my world anyway.

What I think I’ll do is ensure that the “more” that I want from life, also include me reconciling my demons.  A process that I am starting now.  It’s a process that has been eye opening and rewarding both at the same time.  I have to remind myself that it took me 28 years to get this way and that I won’t change over night, but I will change as long as I am willing.  I won’t let thoughts of “more” bring me down, I must let it fuel me to achieve “more”.

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The world we live in.

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Ever since I heard of the shootings that occurred in CT, I’ve had an overwhelming sense of dread. Imagine being the parent of one of the precious little lives that was lost. Imagine starting your day dropping your 6 year old to a place where seemingly they are safe only to discover that the light of your life has been gunned down in the middle of their classes.

How do you continue after this knowledge? I’m finding it hard to cope with the tragic loss of 27 innocent people here on our soil by our own citizens. My heart goes out to the families of those who lost their children in this crazy event that happened.

This gives me a new focus in my life. Life is short and it is important that we live it to the fullest. Tomorrow isn’t promised to us and yesterday has already passed so let it go.

Take the next week to let your family know how much you love and appreciate them.

Live.Love.Life.

Truth #2

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Fact: I’m a heathen. When I was younger, I was a devout Christian and I went to church every Sunday and bible study every Monday and Wednesday. I spent holidays doing things for the church and I faithfully gave to the church that I belonged to. Now, I stumble my way through life not really knowing what to believe in. I didn’t make a decision to not follow a faith, at least I don’t remember intentionally making a decision. It’s like I fell out of religion. When a series of unfortunate events occurred in my life, I fell away from everyone, God included. I’d like to think that my faith was strong — it took a lot to get me to the point where I didn’t believe in anything anymore. Ever since, I’ve adapted a theory of having a sound set of personal values and sticking to them. My guilt around not believing in there being a God has fueled my hatred of myself. I’ve been ashamed of this for so many years, it’s quietly tucked in the background and lurks in my mind.

Positive: I know that I’m a good person, and I know I’m not the only one that struggles with beliefs. I also need to understand that it’s never too late to go back to my old beliefs. I don’t think that I could stand “organized religion”, as of yet — but what’s stopping me from picking up a bible and reading? Easing my way back into what I felt before? Or who’s to say that my current belief system is wrong? Maybe I should shed the guilt and keep on with my life the way it’s been? The jury is still out on this, but I do think that I should drop the guilt regardless, and let my faith be something that comes to me when I’m ready to receive it.

Truth #1

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Fact: I’m extremely self critical.  I judge myself harder than anyone else could ever even imagine.  I don’t really give myself credit for anything.  This trait has always left me in a state that leaves me falling deeper and deeper into the abyss because I continually beat myself up even over the little things.

Positive: I’m usually able to make corrective action relatively quickly when it comes to my professional life.  In a work environment, I’m constantly aware of my short comings therefore I am able to come up with a plan to correct any issues that I have.  In my professional life, this trait manifests itself in a positive light and in my personal life it manifests in a negative one.  If I can see my personal life through the lens of my professional life, maybe I won’t be so hard on myself and then I could even learn to be more positive when it involves my personal affairs.

Confessions…

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I was sitting thinking yesterday, I know, that could have ended up badly — but anyway, I was thinking and I came up with an idea that would help me get over some of the things that I see as being bad about myself.  I figured that I should have simple confessions about myself.  These will be the things that I usually associate with being negative.  I will confess to a fact about myself and then I will come up with positive things that can be used to replace the previous negative thought about myself.

I figured I’d do this for a month or until I run out of them.  Seems like a good idea, so I’ll give it a try.  Wish me luck 🙂

Heavy.

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Disclaimer: It’s early, I’m exhausted, and there’s really no point to this post, just my ramblings that I felt I should get out of my system and not carry them around with me all day.

I’ve been plagued recently with a heavy heart.  In my current circumstance it’s not actually a bad thing [it’s a part of my growth process], however, it’s been the timing that’s been horrible.  I have a nagging sinking feeling that I can’t seem to overcome.  It’s not in my nature to sulk or to cry over spilled milk.  I usually have a “tomorrow is a brand new day” type of attitude about most things.

If I were to over analyze things as I usually do, I would realize that a lot of this is coming on because of the holiday season.  It’s the first one that I’ll be spending alone and due to financial climates at work, the demand for my time has increased significantly.  I’ve been working roughly 65-70 hour weeks, 6 days a week.  I feel as though I’m in an alternate universe and I’m looking in on myself.  I don’t feel real, I feel as though I will wake up from a dream in a few minutes and things will all be different.

Only I’m not waking up.  The dream continues and as it does I’m following the current that life has set for me.  I don’t feel like I’m in control anymore and that feeling alone is frightening.  If I was to be completely honest with myself, I would say that hints of these feelings began months ago and that they are just manifesting into these trumped up feelings that I have.  If I were to rationalize things, as I also do quite often, I would just say that I’m tired, sleep deprived, and just drained.

Happy Medium? I will have to clunk my way through this, not only because it’s what I do, but because I can’t afford to break down right now.  I have to be full speed, I have to give 200% to work and still have a pretty smile on my face for the minuscule amount of time that I’ll get to actually spend with my family this season.  I’ll have to save all of the breaking down for a different day, tuck it away somewhere safe so I can deal with it when it’s convenient for me.

So, this is new.

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For those of you that have been following my blog for a bit, you have seen me stumble through my weight loss journey, learning things as I go and doing my best to really know who I am and succeed with losing weight – this time for keeps. As I’ve been learning and growing, each set back teaches me something. Each lesson has brought me closer to truly understanding how I got the way that I am and that knowledge has given me a road map to figure out how to get to my goal.

Today, something happened to me that was so different. So profound that I didn’t know what to do with it originally. I had the day off and decided that I deserved a lazy day. What I didn’t expect was the overwhelming wave of loneliness to hit me like a truck. I started sobbing. Not like your average sobbing, but gut wrenching, pit-of-the-stomach sobbing. It was uncontrollable and I could not stop it until it ran it’s course. In one of my very first posts, It wasn’t supposed to be like this…, I went through all of the reasons why I started this entire mission. One of the biggest issues of my failed relationship was my inability to love myself.

Many of us have self image issues, and I’m not down playing anyone’s past (or present), but my view of myself is extremely low. It’s been something that started many moons ago. Back when I was sexually assaulted at a very young age and something that continued on through being sexually assaulted again as an adult. I’ve always been overweight, even as a kid. I don’t want to get into the traumatizing situations I’ve been in due to my size — if you heard it once you’ve heard it a million times. Kids can be harsh. My point is that I’ve never had a healthy image of myself. So when I got into a relationship, I let the love that my ex had for me substitute the love that I should have had for myself.

This leads me to earlier today — during my sobbing session. I was so empty that it was a scary thought to even have. I wanted to just disappear (still want to slightly). Now that I’m single and working through all of my inner tangles, I realize that the last 10 months have been full of bravado. I have been putting on such a show to keep myself from falling apart. I’ve been through so much in life that it’s my usual reaction — suck it up and tough it out. Only now, I’m alone and I’m feeling extremely vulnerable — I don’t do vulnerable. Vulnerable isn’t even in my vocabulary.

How do I love myself? I’m not quite sure, but it’s definitely something that’s holding me back. I’m starting to have the fear that even if I were to lose weight, I wouldn’t be happy. I’ve associated my ultimate happiness with losing weight for so long that I’ve blamed all of my unhappiness on it. My fat has been my soul’s scapegoat. It’s been a way to look past the underlying issues in my life and ultimately has given me a centralized focus towards “happiness”. But darn near 60 pounds later, I’m starting to realize that I have been horribly mistaken.

I eventually will have to look myself in the face and like what I see, not aesthetically, but internally. I’m not completely sure how to do this. But I truly feel like I’m on the right track. Knowing is half of the battle, right?