Disclaimer: It’s early, I’m exhausted, and there’s really no point to this post, just my ramblings that I felt I should get out of my system and not carry them around with me all day.
I’ve been plagued recently with a heavy heart. In my current circumstance it’s not actually a bad thing [it’s a part of my growth process], however, it’s been the timing that’s been horrible. I have a nagging sinking feeling that I can’t seem to overcome. It’s not in my nature to sulk or to cry over spilled milk. I usually have a “tomorrow is a brand new day” type of attitude about most things.
If I were to over analyze things as I usually do, I would realize that a lot of this is coming on because of the holiday season. It’s the first one that I’ll be spending alone and due to financial climates at work, the demand for my time has increased significantly. I’ve been working roughly 65-70 hour weeks, 6 days a week. I feel as though I’m in an alternate universe and I’m looking in on myself. I don’t feel real, I feel as though I will wake up from a dream in a few minutes and things will all be different.
Only I’m not waking up. The dream continues and as it does I’m following the current that life has set for me. I don’t feel like I’m in control anymore and that feeling alone is frightening. If I was to be completely honest with myself, I would say that hints of these feelings began months ago and that they are just manifesting into these trumped up feelings that I have. If I were to rationalize things, as I also do quite often, I would just say that I’m tired, sleep deprived, and just drained.
Happy Medium? I will have to clunk my way through this, not only because it’s what I do, but because I can’t afford to break down right now. I have to be full speed, I have to give 200% to work and still have a pretty smile on my face for the minuscule amount of time that I’ll get to actually spend with my family this season. I’ll have to save all of the breaking down for a different day, tuck it away somewhere safe so I can deal with it when it’s convenient for me.