Truth #2

2

Fact: I’m a heathen. When I was younger, I was a devout Christian and I went to church every Sunday and bible study every Monday and Wednesday. I spent holidays doing things for the church and I faithfully gave to the church that I belonged to. Now, I stumble my way through life not really knowing what to believe in. I didn’t make a decision to not follow a faith, at least I don’t remember intentionally making a decision. It’s like I fell out of religion. When a series of unfortunate events occurred in my life, I fell away from everyone, God included. I’d like to think that my faith was strong — it took a lot to get me to the point where I didn’t believe in anything anymore. Ever since, I’ve adapted a theory of having a sound set of personal values and sticking to them. My guilt around not believing in there being a God has fueled my hatred of myself. I’ve been ashamed of this for so many years, it’s quietly tucked in the background and lurks in my mind.

Positive: I know that I’m a good person, and I know I’m not the only one that struggles with beliefs. I also need to understand that it’s never too late to go back to my old beliefs. I don’t think that I could stand “organized religion”, as of yet — but what’s stopping me from picking up a bible and reading? Easing my way back into what I felt before? Or who’s to say that my current belief system is wrong? Maybe I should shed the guilt and keep on with my life the way it’s been? The jury is still out on this, but I do think that I should drop the guilt regardless, and let my faith be something that comes to me when I’m ready to receive it.

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2 thoughts on “Truth #2

  1. I’m in a similar boat, except when I was growing up going to church and bible study never did anything for me. I’m not an atheist necessarily, I just don’t know. I don’t understand why people can’t just be cool with the not knowing… I am aware that having a belief in something bigger, and the certainty of “If I’m a good person I will go to heaven and see my family and friends” is very comforting, but we don’t all have to act like we KNOW. I hope you are able to get rid of your guilt about this. I am a good person and try to make sure I treat people how I’d want to be treated, I don’t steal, all that kind of stuff. It’d be nice if there is a heaven, but I just kind of feel like whatever happens, happens.

    • Thanks for your perspective on this. It’s something that I’ve struggled with for so long that its become a part of who I am and that’s something that I’m determined to change about me. I’ve somewhat become in limbo when it comes to my spiritual beliefs. Thanks again for your thoughts!

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