I want more. A lot like Princess Ariel, I sometimes spend my days daydreaming about having more. Similar to Ariel, the “more” that I want aren’t the material things in life, I want to see the world, so to speak. Often times I feel as though my weight is a glass wall that holds me back from life. Whether that wall manifests itself as fear, lack of confidence, or any other paralyzing characteristic, it’s there and it keeps me from venturing out and being a stronger person than I know I can be.
I know that pinning everything on my weight seems like I’m taking the easy way out. But I’ve had so many encounters in my past that have validated my fear and have given me reason to “blame” my weight:
1) I’ve had people tell me that I could get a date if I lost “the weight”.
2) I’ve had jobs taken right underneath me to someone less qualified but more attractive, in one case she didn’t even apply for the position.
3) Already, even though my external confidence has dropped since losing weight (I’m backwards, I know) – I’ve gotten so much more attention than I ever received when I was heavier, and the attention level seems to be directly proportioned to my weight loss.
4) I’ve had “birdies” whisper in my ear that I should lose weight, because it’s the only thing that’s “holding me back”.
I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place. We are taught as children to learn from our mistakes. Whether indirectly or directly. When we touch something hot and it burns us, hopefully, we learn not to touch it next time. But we also learn to not let harmful words effect us, and that sometimes it’s best for us to ignore them. It’s hard for me just to ignore the comments about my weight, because I have to learn from it, right?
The “more” that I want is simple, I’d like to think. I’d like to be a great mom, wife, be moderately successful, be happy, travel, and create a loving household. Yeah, I know. All things that I could have now, right? Not-so-much. I don’t exactly have guys beating down my door. I also don’t just sit around waiting either. But the truth is, guys choose my thin friends over me in every situation. I endure being the only one not dragged out to the dance floor, or not approached during dinner parties, or even the only one left at the bar during girls night out. But I keep smiling, being charismatic, and strong – simply because that’s who I am. My failure here feeds into truths 1 and 2. Although I can pretend to be happy in public, until I learn to truly love myself, I should not bring anyone into my world anyway.
What I think I’ll do is ensure that the “more” that I want from life, also include me reconciling my demons. A process that I am starting now. It’s a process that has been eye opening and rewarding both at the same time. I have to remind myself that it took me 28 years to get this way and that I won’t change over night, but I will change as long as I am willing. I won’t let thoughts of “more” bring me down, I must let it fuel me to achieve “more”.