Truth #2

2

Fact: I’m a heathen. When I was younger, I was a devout Christian and I went to church every Sunday and bible study every Monday and Wednesday. I spent holidays doing things for the church and I faithfully gave to the church that I belonged to. Now, I stumble my way through life not really knowing what to believe in. I didn’t make a decision to not follow a faith, at least I don’t remember intentionally making a decision. It’s like I fell out of religion. When a series of unfortunate events occurred in my life, I fell away from everyone, God included. I’d like to think that my faith was strong — it took a lot to get me to the point where I didn’t believe in anything anymore. Ever since, I’ve adapted a theory of having a sound set of personal values and sticking to them. My guilt around not believing in there being a God has fueled my hatred of myself. I’ve been ashamed of this for so many years, it’s quietly tucked in the background and lurks in my mind.

Positive: I know that I’m a good person, and I know I’m not the only one that struggles with beliefs. I also need to understand that it’s never too late to go back to my old beliefs. I don’t think that I could stand “organized religion”, as of yet — but what’s stopping me from picking up a bible and reading? Easing my way back into what I felt before? Or who’s to say that my current belief system is wrong? Maybe I should shed the guilt and keep on with my life the way it’s been? The jury is still out on this, but I do think that I should drop the guilt regardless, and let my faith be something that comes to me when I’m ready to receive it.

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Truth #1

O#1

Fact: I’m extremely self critical.  I judge myself harder than anyone else could ever even imagine.  I don’t really give myself credit for anything.  This trait has always left me in a state that leaves me falling deeper and deeper into the abyss because I continually beat myself up even over the little things.

Positive: I’m usually able to make corrective action relatively quickly when it comes to my professional life.  In a work environment, I’m constantly aware of my short comings therefore I am able to come up with a plan to correct any issues that I have.  In my professional life, this trait manifests itself in a positive light and in my personal life it manifests in a negative one.  If I can see my personal life through the lens of my professional life, maybe I won’t be so hard on myself and then I could even learn to be more positive when it involves my personal affairs.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this…

So… it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

When we were young, we were told that you go to school, you get a job, you get married, you have children and you then live happily ever after.  So, what did I miss?  Why am I 28 years old and just starting my life over.  Let’s see…

I did the whole school thing… great… I do have a career where I make a comfortable living… great… I DID have a boyfriend (8 year relationship)… and that’s where it all stopped.

There was nothing after 8 years.  I felt nothing for him.  I loved him to pieces, but more as a brother that I would give my life for — not as the love of my life that I felt deep waves of passion for.  We just grew differently.  our lives changed and BAM.

Here I am… I was left with no choice other than to evaluate my life and there were some things that I had to take the blame for:

1) I was the cause of my failed relationship.  Yes, I take FULL ownership for it.  I realized after 8 years, he was still the same person that he was when we met.  I didn’t know how important being with someone that EVOLVES and GROWS was to me, at the time.  This wasn’t his fault.  I can complain every day until I’m blue in the face, but at the end of the day — I knew EXACTLY what I was getting when I started dating him.  Had I known that personal growth and ambition was so important to me at the time — then maybe (maybe not) I would have done things a little differently.

2) I didn’t love myself, therefore I couldn’t love him the way a woman should love a man. Talk about a hard pill to swallow.  I mean, come on — feel the weight of that statement.  You see, I’ve been over weight my entire life.  A healthy dose of self loathing and hatred came right along with the extra pounds.  I could never accept that he loved me because, come on!!! How could he, when I couldn’t even love myself.  Every time he said he loved me, in the back of my mind, I would doubt it because I didn’t believe that anyone could love me.  Never did it occur to me that maybe some people aren’t shallow, maybe some people are genuine and can see straight through to the core of people.  I failed him, and I live with that fact every day.

3) I settled [see previous fault].  Yes, for the same reasons above (my very inconvenient self hatred), I am pretty sure I settled.  I was so happy to find someone that would say that they loved me (whether the motives be questionable or not), that I couldn’t say no to his love.  I had to take it, because no one else would love me.

What happened to the easy linear life we were all supposed to live.  Where did my happily ever after go?  I have quickly learned that life isn’t so easy and that things do not always come out with such happy results.  I’m sorry for all of the mistakes that I’ve made.  I’m sorry for letting my partner in life down.  Which is why it took me so long to end it.  I wanted to try, for him, I wanted to make sure.  But at the end —  I had to do what was best for both of us, and that was me suggesting that I went my own way and he went his.

Now that the tears are wiped away [mostly], I am ready to start over.  I’m not a blogger, I’m not an expert, I’m just someone who has a story to tell and wants a history of the adventure I’m about to embark on.  So whether I’m talking to my blog, or I touch one person with my story, I will be happy.

This is me in as rare form as I can be.