Truth #1

O#1

Fact: I’m extremely self critical.  I judge myself harder than anyone else could ever even imagine.  I don’t really give myself credit for anything.  This trait has always left me in a state that leaves me falling deeper and deeper into the abyss because I continually beat myself up even over the little things.

Positive: I’m usually able to make corrective action relatively quickly when it comes to my professional life.  In a work environment, I’m constantly aware of my short comings therefore I am able to come up with a plan to correct any issues that I have.  In my professional life, this trait manifests itself in a positive light and in my personal life it manifests in a negative one.  If I can see my personal life through the lens of my professional life, maybe I won’t be so hard on myself and then I could even learn to be more positive when it involves my personal affairs.

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A dose of Reality… The harsh truths of lifestyle changes.

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I hit a wall. After my last post, “An Open Letter to my Future Self“, I talked about the feeling of being tired and of wanting to know if all of the changes that I’ve been making will be worth it. Well, when I posted that I was teetering on the edge of something crazy. Since then I had a bit of a break through. I needed time away from life in general. I needed time away from how difficult my new lifestyle has been.

This may sound like an excuse, and although it sorta is, there is some substance to my thought process, I promise.

I took 3 weeks off from work, I turned off my cell phone, I drove 3 hours away from home, and here I am sitting in a hotel, writing this entry in what I’ve now adapted as my public diary. This past week, I’ve gone completely off the reservation so to speak. I’ve indulged, and over indulged. I started my vacation with working out, that went out of the window about 2 days into this. I’ve done things on a whim and whatever it is that I wanted to do.

Here’s where my sorta excuse comes in. I started this journey cold turkey. I just stopped everything. I didn’t gradually stop drinking sodas, one day I was, the next day I wasn’t. This was 4 months ago, in this time I’ve lost 40 pounds (I’m sure I’ve gained some back over the last week). I submerged myself back into the lifestyle that I had. Lazy, no exercising, no self accountability. At first it was like “Welcome Home”… Then there were the nightmares, the inability to sleep, the depression, the self hate… it all came back. The carb and sugar highs and crashes have been brutal. The inactivity is killing me literally.

So, today, I stared myself down in the mirror. I never look in the mirror. I mean yeah, I glance in it and remember how much I hate what I look like. But not today, today I REALLY looked at myself in the mirror. Looked myself in the eyes and asked myself what I wanted. What I TRULY wanted. Did I want to feel like crap after eating things that had absolutely zero nutrition value? Did I want to continue to eat empty calories and not food that helps energize not only me but my soul?

I pushed myself to make a decision. I walked along the beach and spent time with my thoughts. I sat with myself and I just allowed myself to choose. I had to decide which path will make me ultimately happy. I gave myself the option. To go back to how I was or to kick it into high gear and do this thing once and for all. I want my head to be in the game. I’m sick of my worries, my fears, my self image issues. I want to make a decision to choose happiness, and to be happy because I’m making better life decisions.

So I chose fitness, no more bs. I was virtually perfect up until 7 days ago. 7 days out of the last 120 days… I allowed myself to be less than perfect. Less than 6% of failure. I can’t allow myself to get caught up on the fact that I went completely off track. Tomorrow, it’s business as usual. Back on the program. I owe it to myself to do just that.

Harsh truth? Its tough changing your lifestyle after a lifestyle of ignorance and not holding myself personally accountable for the way that I’ve ended up. I have to remind myself that only 1.1% of my life has been healthy. 1.1%… My only focus right now is to steadily increase that number, it’s like an alcoholic and how many days that they’ve been sober. How many days have I lived a fit lifestyle. That’s my focus. That number can only go up from here. It’s my duty to myself to ensure that it happens.

Coming toe to toe with yourself isn’t an easy thing to do. Actually it’s pretty damned hard. I’m learning, I’m growing, I’m making mistakes along the way. More than anything, I’m being completely honest with myself. That in and of itself is the best freaking feeling ever.

An Open Letter to my Future Self…

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Dear Me,

As I sit here with a glass of red wine, that I’m not drinking, just holding in my hand, I think about you. The biggest question that plagues my mind is, “Did we make it?”, “Did we reach our goals?”. Or did we fail like we have in the past?

Even more so than our success or failure, I want to know did we learn to love ourselves? When I started this journey, I came across a blog that said that I should document everything and visualize what I wanted to look like. I did more than that, remember? I did some magic with Photo Shop and within a half hour you were there. Smiling back at me with a smile that hid all of the pain and the hurt we’ve been through. I started to cry, I hope you remember that day. It was the day that I decided to change my life. To change every bad habit that I’d accumulated over the course of 28 years on this Earth.

But, I’m feeling a bit… tired? Yes, tired. It’s a tedious lifestyle when you think of it. Long gone are the days that a drive thru window expedited dinner plans but also expedited our obesity as well. Working 10-12 hour days, going to school, cooking, working out, being a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt… It’s all beginning to eat away at me. It’s weakening my resolve. I need to know did we make it? Do we love ourselves? Is this worth it?

Right now, I can’t say that I’ve learned to love myself…. yet… I’m getting there. It seems that the love I feel for myself has been directly proportioned to my weight loss and I see that as being a problem. Did we figure this one out? Not knowing is plaguing me. It’s eating me alive. I’m so fearful of making it so far and failing. We are at 40 pounds lost, the highest we ever made it before now was 50 pounds. So close to the best we’d ever done. What makes us different this time?

If only you could tell me what happens. If only I could have a sense of certainty. While I have your attention, I need you to remember a few things. If we did make it, never forget what it felt like to walk up the stairs and get winded; to not be able to fit in airplane chairs; to be looked at as if you’re subhuman because you’re obese; to cry at night after you ate 1200 calories in one setting; to feel uncomfortable in our own skin. Promise me that you’ll remember this, for it’s our only hope at maintaining our goal.

If we didn’t make it, it’s ok, and it’s never too late to start and try again. We’re determined if nothing else.

Finally, I apologize for letting us get this way. We endured much ridicule, pain, and tears solely because of our size. Had I learned sooner, maybe we could have avoided so much.

Please give me something to look forward to.

Love,
Me

…but here I am!

I have to start over…

But how do you do that when all you know in life is different.

1) I’m on my own.  He moved back home to be with his family.  I’m happy that he has someone to help cope with things, but that leaves me on my own.  Single. Single Income.  & Alone with My thoughts [these are dangerous for me].

2) I’m fat.  I chose to change my life today.  Starting with my weight.  My weight and the lack of love I have for myself was the foundation for my failed relationship.  I have to learn to love me.

3) I’m still bitter.  I’m surrounded by friends who are smaller than I am, married, have wonderful families.  Sometimes I want to tell them to fuck off or kick rocks — but that’s just not lady like.

Before I can begin to even THINK of a new life and a fresh new start, I have to analyze what I want.  Why am I here, WHAT WILL BE MY LEGACY?  Okay, maybe not that serious, I mean after all I’m just an average girl trapped inside of a popular girl who’s also trapped inside of an obese 29 year old’s body.

I’m going to start by taking control of the things I can control.  I can control what I put in my pie hole [that’s my mouth for those who aren’t as random as I am] AND I can control if I get off my ass and exercise.  Control is exactly what I need right now in my life of things seemingly falling apart rapidly.

Here’s the Anti…

1) 360.6 Starting Weight [cringe]

2) Size 26 pant [oh god]

3) Size 12W shoe [bah]

4) Weight Loss Goal: 200 pounds

and so it begins…