It has been a little while. Okay, it has been a long while. I have been through a lot in the last 8 months, most of which includes falling head over heels in love with someone. When I met him, the skies opened and the natural hues that life tends to produce seemed richer, smells became more robust, and life as I knew it changed.
This guy made me feel alive. Although fitness and losing weight was still the most paramount goal in my life, he made the 4 month plateau that I experienced bearable. [I will get into more detail about my plateau in a later post]. He pacified me with loving words of encouragement, hope, and support. Honestly, with him by my side, I felt as though I could accomplish any task in life, big or small.
He spoke of marriage and of wanting to start a family. As he spoke of this, my walls started to come down and I started to let go of all of the paralyzing fear that I held on to for so long. My past was full of ups and downs, which makes me a guarded person by nature. Finally, if by waving some magic wand, the mountains of fear that I was feeling started to disappear. Until they did disappear, and I was his.
Then abruptly, as if God himself flipped the switch, my guy told me that he needed space. When I asked why, he told me that he needed some time to figure out his life and that it was not me, it was him [sounds familiar?]. I spent days agonizing over this, trying to figure out what it was that I had done. Wondering was it something I said, something I did/did not do. What caused such an abrupt change of heart? This baffled me even more considering, unlike most ladies, I was NOT the one that was actually pushing for marriage and children, so the likelihood of me scaring him off seemed null.
Devastated, I started to evaluate my life. Truly evaluate it. My mind went back to the goal that I set for myself just over one year ago. I wanted to be skinny, sexy, amazing. Although I have changed my lifestyle towards living a healthier, more enriched, life — I did not reach that goal. Being in love weakened my determination and my will power. Maybe, just maybe, my crazy plateau was caused by finding happiness in someone else, and not harnessing my inner happiness based on achieving my weight loss and fitness goals.
Here I am, a little bruised from the outcome of an ended relationship; healthier than I was a year ago, but not at my fitness goal; and ready to get back on track without the distraction of blinding love. My in depth self reflection discovered a missing component in getting my life back together, which was blogging. For months now, I have been lurking, reading here and there, but not posting. I had let myself forget how therapeutic writing could be. My innate shyness always seems to push my blog to the bottom of the list of priorities in an effort to avoid the pain of spilling my soul to the world (or the 2 or 3 people that may stumble upon this place).
Well, for a lack of better words, I am back! I will just call this Day 1, Take 2.