Absolutely Frustrated…

I was waiting for this day to happen.  A day when all of my positivity is drained, after working super hard and I’m left feeling depleted.

I’m getting ahead of myself.  So, I changed my entire outlook on life about 3 months ago. I went at my new lifestyle changes completely cold turkey.  I got rid of every bad food in my house, I stopped eating salt, processed foods, sodas, carbs — you name the bad stuff, I cut it out.

Weight came off easily, I lost 30 pounds relatively quickly.  I have so much to lose (200 pounds) that even with not going so balls to the wall, weight loss should have been relatively simple.

Diet wasn’t enough, so I started walking 3 miles every day.  Recently, I started to add bursts of jogging into the mix as well.  All of this, only to become a healthier person — fit even.

But now I’m stuck.  I know what plateaus are, and this one is being a bear.  I’m hovering around the same five pounds that are just hanging in there.

Then there was weigh in day (yesterday) with my personal trainer.  I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean to blurt out “No Way”… (she’s a fantastic trainer by the way)… I think she’s just as frustrated as I am.  I had gained 3 pounds since our last weigh in.  After asking me a million questions, she came down to the fact that she really thinks I’m not eating enough and that my body is in starvation mode.

So here are my frustrations (Finally), and in the form of a list (duh):

1) WTF… seriously?  First I eat too much now I’m eating too little?  For the record, I’m not starving myself, I’m not skipping meals, and I’m always full.  I committed to losing weight the right way, and I’m not cutting corners.

2) How does my doctor really expect me to drink 160 ounces of water, eat 1400 calories, workout, and work a 10 hour shift everyday.  The answer is she doesn’t, I think I’m burning myself out.  Honestly, on the only day that I actually hit 160 ounces of water, I felt sick, and I didn’t want to eat or work out or exist.  I decided to gradually drink more water until I get to an ideal amount, but of course I went all out when I first drank water just to see if I could swing it.

3) I feel so depleted of emotion right now that I’m fighting hard not to just give up.  I know that giving up would be stupid and I’m not going to let that happen, simply for the fact that plateaus happen to everyone.  But I still feel like crap — super crap.  SUPER CRAP WITH 10 thousand cherries on top.  (I hate cherries).

4) I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t think it would effect me so much, mentally.  When I’m taking a look at my life and taking stock in all that I’ve accomplished, I feel great.  But when I look at the road ahead, so many doubts creep in, so many voices of my past come in to make me feel like I can not do this and that I’m seriously kidding myself.  My mind slips into my former toxic thoughts of not being worth the effort and that I’m not successful because I can’t be successful.

What now?

I have to remind myself of where I came from.  Drive thru windows, fast carb craziness, no fitness or exercise, general ignorance and the list goes on and on.  I need to put my focus back on the fact that I’m in this for the long haul, and just because my recent efforts aren’t reflecting on the scale [or measuring tape >.<], my progress has many other points of measurement.  I have to be more excited around the fact that I’m down 2 pant sizes, and that I can jog throughout my walks now without literally feeling like I’m going to die.

I’m holding on to these facts with all I have, I must let them be my confidence.  I must allow them to speak for me when my voice is so small.


Nothing tastes as good as thin…ner feels.

335.6, 58.5 body fat.

We’ve heard it a million times… “Nothing tastes as good as THIN feels”… yet… I’ve never really experienced what that’s like — in my life.  However, I’m not there yet.  I’ve just begun on this journey of mine.  I have a lot to experience, but so far — being thinner is living up to this adage.

I’m finding it easier to make better choices because I’m so determined to be thin.  In the past, when attempting to lose weight, I always just thought, “I’ll lose a few pounds so that I can be average.”  I always thought that THIN was a myth for me.  This is especially true since my family spent my entire life telling me that I had ‘big bones’, so I always assumed that I would just have to deal with being on the heavier side.

Not this time… I am going ALL IN.  I can’t wait to feel what this feels like.  I’m already feeling some of this.  Things as small as my clothing fitting a lot better and my jeans not cutting into my stomach — nothing I can eat will match feeling better as me.

So… even though I’m not “thin”, I am “thin-ner”[although any sane person would say “less fat” as opposed to thinner, but hey, it sounds better] and I’m on my way towards being a better me.

Side note… I have been stagnant on my weight loss recently.  Although it appears that I dropped a pound, it’s a lot slower than my 3 lb a week trend that I’ve been on.  However, I did start tracking my body fat (and it’s a good thing I did).  I’m currently down about 3% body fat, which would probably account for my “plateau”.  I still see it as  a victory as I plug along on this weight loss journey.


True Life: I’m a fat girl…

I decided to only update my weight once a week — I’m thinking Sundays. With cycles, water weight, adding muscle through strength training, so on and so forth, my weight has been all over the place. I started actually using the portion of my scale that measures body fat… and um… yikes.

When I was younger, my family always told me that I was “big boned”… seriously wtf is that supposed to mean? Me, being the completely clueless adolescent that I was, accepted this bullshit excuse for me being overweight. I honestly didn’t know any better. My allowances were spent on candy, cookies, and other sugary treats — all without discipline, all without accountability. I simply thought that’s what life was supposed to be like. I mean, I was big boned overall — why would I expect to be THIN, or HEALTHY?

On to the topic that I’m ever so skillfully avoiding… body fat. When I checked for the first time on Wednesday, I was 62% fat. Yes, that’s 6-2, sixty two, LXII… any way I say it — it’s just FAT. That means that 208 pounds of me is pure disgusting FAT. Okay, point made.

To all of the people who said I was big boned:

(oh yes!, another list)

1) Roughly 123 pounds of me is bone and muscle… Considering I would never want to be @ zero percent body fat at my height [it would look super weird], even adding some fat to that, let’s say 150… Even at age 10 when I weight 210 pounds, I had 60… SIXTY pounds of extra fat on my frame. Big bones, my ass…

2) Why didn’t you educate me on the proper things to eat, how to exercise, healthy weight, the importance of staying fit…

3) You still try to shove calorie loaded food down my throat during every holiday, never once caring about my health.

I know, I’m being a bit dramatic. But the thing is… I’ve always had excellent will power. I’ve always had drive, passion, and I’ve always held myself accountable. I’m just going through a phase where my impatience is causing me to really analyze my upbringing, my personal life choices, and the behaviors that were formed before I even had a say on the type of person I wanted to be.

I’ve lived in ignorance for too long. I’ve comforted myself with the lies of “You’re tall, you look better carrying a little extra weight”, or “You’re big boned”, or “Curvy is better”… I lived oblivious of how unhealthy these point of views really were and I let them be my excuses for not getting up and doing something about it. I now hold myself accountable for the previous years of my life of ignorance. I’m educating myself, pushing myself to be more active, watching what I put into my body, immersing myself in blogs and forums to get motivated and to read personal stories, and above all else, I am determined to be the best me I can possibly be.

One day at a time…

Food… BAH!

336.6 – 24 Pounds lost.

So, I have this fear that the “plan” that I am on is all wrong and that maybe I’m fad dieting but just unaware of it.  Yeah, I feel as though I can do this for the rest of my life, but that’s so easy to say only 6 true weeks into it.  I am not following any program, but simply doing what I think is right and what feels right to me.  Only, I suddenly got this fear early this morning that maybe I’ll see success now, because I have SO much weight to lose, and any reduction in my daily caloric intake will shed some pounds.  But what about as I get closer and closer to my goal weight?

The “What if” monster is really showing off today… I guess a lot of these questions need not be answered today, so I need not stress over it?

One thing that I have noticed, however, is that I don’t like eating anything heavy.  I’m okay when I eat a light salad, or munch on some grapes, or eat a piece of fruit or cheese.  But when I eat a full grown meal, I feel heavy and gross and fat.  So maybe it’s my portion sizes when I cook actual meals?

For instance… I created a stuffed pepper recipe that is stuffed with ground turkey and topped with sharp white cheddar.  Let me tell you, it’s amazing — and if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my lifestyle change, then bring it on.  However, I ate two of them [well technically one since it was cut in half before I “stuffed” them]  and I felt like death walking.  I felt heavy, I didn’t want to exercise, and I just felt, BLAH.

So, maybe it could be that my portion sizes are off?

Granted, I would have probably ate all six of them 2 months ago when I started on this weight loss journey.  But now — maybe eating just 1 would have sufficed.  It’s hard to believe that my stomach shrunk so much in so little time that such a small amount of food would be satisfying.

I have been getting extremely good at listening to my body.  and I think I need to start eating slower in general and stopping when I’m satisfied.  I know this makes sense in theory, but in practice, I put two peppers on my plate, so I ate two peppers.  I didn’t stop between eating them to see if  my appetite had changed.

I’m thinking this is even more important with me not eating a set amount of times a day and simply eating when I’m hungry.  I’ve found out that on some days I am content with eating only once and others I can eat up to four times.  Small portions and just listening to what my body is telling me.

So, Lesson learned — Stomach smaller = less food (even the healthy stuff)!