Absolutely Frustrated…

I was waiting for this day to happen.  A day when all of my positivity is drained, after working super hard and I’m left feeling depleted.

I’m getting ahead of myself.  So, I changed my entire outlook on life about 3 months ago. I went at my new lifestyle changes completely cold turkey.  I got rid of every bad food in my house, I stopped eating salt, processed foods, sodas, carbs — you name the bad stuff, I cut it out.

Weight came off easily, I lost 30 pounds relatively quickly.  I have so much to lose (200 pounds) that even with not going so balls to the wall, weight loss should have been relatively simple.

Diet wasn’t enough, so I started walking 3 miles every day.  Recently, I started to add bursts of jogging into the mix as well.  All of this, only to become a healthier person — fit even.

But now I’m stuck.  I know what plateaus are, and this one is being a bear.  I’m hovering around the same five pounds that are just hanging in there.

Then there was weigh in day (yesterday) with my personal trainer.  I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean to blurt out “No Way”… (she’s a fantastic trainer by the way)… I think she’s just as frustrated as I am.  I had gained 3 pounds since our last weigh in.  After asking me a million questions, she came down to the fact that she really thinks I’m not eating enough and that my body is in starvation mode.

So here are my frustrations (Finally), and in the form of a list (duh):

1) WTF… seriously?  First I eat too much now I’m eating too little?  For the record, I’m not starving myself, I’m not skipping meals, and I’m always full.  I committed to losing weight the right way, and I’m not cutting corners.

2) How does my doctor really expect me to drink 160 ounces of water, eat 1400 calories, workout, and work a 10 hour shift everyday.  The answer is she doesn’t, I think I’m burning myself out.  Honestly, on the only day that I actually hit 160 ounces of water, I felt sick, and I didn’t want to eat or work out or exist.  I decided to gradually drink more water until I get to an ideal amount, but of course I went all out when I first drank water just to see if I could swing it.

3) I feel so depleted of emotion right now that I’m fighting hard not to just give up.  I know that giving up would be stupid and I’m not going to let that happen, simply for the fact that plateaus happen to everyone.  But I still feel like crap — super crap.  SUPER CRAP WITH 10 thousand cherries on top.  (I hate cherries).

4) I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t think it would effect me so much, mentally.  When I’m taking a look at my life and taking stock in all that I’ve accomplished, I feel great.  But when I look at the road ahead, so many doubts creep in, so many voices of my past come in to make me feel like I can not do this and that I’m seriously kidding myself.  My mind slips into my former toxic thoughts of not being worth the effort and that I’m not successful because I can’t be successful.

What now?

I have to remind myself of where I came from.  Drive thru windows, fast carb craziness, no fitness or exercise, general ignorance and the list goes on and on.  I need to put my focus back on the fact that I’m in this for the long haul, and just because my recent efforts aren’t reflecting on the scale [or measuring tape >.<], my progress has many other points of measurement.  I have to be more excited around the fact that I’m down 2 pant sizes, and that I can jog throughout my walks now without literally feeling like I’m going to die.

I’m holding on to these facts with all I have, I must let them be my confidence.  I must allow them to speak for me when my voice is so small.

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Influences… and the horse they rode in on…

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330.6 – 30 pounds lost so far.

Today is my 30 pound mark. Extremely exciting, but oddly this post isn’t about that at all. It’s about the relationships that I have with my friends and family. I’ve learned that by myself, I am able to stick to my regimen. I live alone so I find that behaving myself is relatively easy. However, when it comes to my friends — I can’t seem to make proper decisions.

During these times of lack of judgment, I am aware of the bad decision, however I still make them. It feels great to be back in the “I don’t really care” mindset where I didn’t treat my body as the center of my well being. For so long, I made decisions based on no foundation whatsoever. If I wanted to eat 1100 calories in one setting, I did. Often times not even aware that I was eating so many calories.

So, these friends aren’t exactly encouraging me to make these bad decisions, but they also aren’t holding me accountable. They are full of “It’s just one cheat day” or “oh, what’s one time going to hurt?”. But one time is one time too many. I believe that our bodies are systems, and we need to energize ourselves with healthy foods. It’s almost like putting premium gas in your mercedes on a regular basis, then randomly putting low grade fuel in simply because your other car friends said it’s ok to skimp once in awhile.

Probably not the best analogy, but it’s a major part of my current philosophy of staying fit. It absolutely has to be. In my case, I gained a lot of weight based off of not having a realistic view of myself and of the consequences to the decisions I was making. Therefore if I allow myself to simply “cheat” often, I’m convinced that I will stumble like I have so many times in my past.

My point… [I promise you I have one, I think…]

is that these influences for me, are bad. So, although I love them so very much, I have to limit my time around them, at least until I get a better foundation under me to be able to be steadfast in my weight loss and fitness goals.

Oh and WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOO 30 lbs lost.

[insert happy dance here]