Fact: I’m a heathen. When I was younger, I was a devout Christian and I went to church every Sunday and bible study every Monday and Wednesday. I spent holidays doing things for the church and I faithfully gave to the church that I belonged to. Now, I stumble my way through life not really knowing what to believe in. I didn’t make a decision to not follow a faith, at least I don’t remember intentionally making a decision. It’s like I fell out of religion. When a series of unfortunate events occurred in my life, I fell away from everyone, God included. I’d like to think that my faith was strong — it took a lot to get me to the point where I didn’t believe in anything anymore. Ever since, I’ve adapted a theory of having a sound set of personal values and sticking to them. My guilt around not believing in there being a God has fueled my hatred of myself. I’ve been ashamed of this for so many years, it’s quietly tucked in the background and lurks in my mind.
Positive: I know that I’m a good person, and I know I’m not the only one that struggles with beliefs. I also need to understand that it’s never too late to go back to my old beliefs. I don’t think that I could stand “organized religion”, as of yet — but what’s stopping me from picking up a bible and reading? Easing my way back into what I felt before? Or who’s to say that my current belief system is wrong? Maybe I should shed the guilt and keep on with my life the way it’s been? The jury is still out on this, but I do think that I should drop the guilt regardless, and let my faith be something that comes to me when I’m ready to receive it.
A lot has changed in the last week. I haven’t decided if it’s for the better or not… not yet.
I’ve stuck with my restrictive diet completely. I’m learning and researching as I go. But I’m stuck at the same weight I was 2 weeks ago.
I’ve had some really bad thoughts lately and they all stem from feeling like I’m failing at this already. I feel my will power slipping away and I’m drastically grabbing at it trying to hold on as much as I can. Now, I don’t mean that I want to revert back to how I was — because honestly, I’ve come to despise the foods and eating habits that got me to where I am currently. Truly despise them… BUT that drive that I felt starting this outrageous journey is slipping away from me. Doubt is starting to creep in and I’m simply feeling god awful about it.
For so long, I’ve had a poor self image and I’ve always equated that with just me being overweight. I’ve simply thought that my self esteem was non existent because I hated myself for being fat. I’m starting to realize that even if I would hit my goal weight tomorrow (I could only wish) — that there are still unresolved issues that I have about me in general. I thought that I could focus solely on the things I can easily control [what I put in my mouth and what I did with my body], but I’m slowly finding that to not be the case.
I think that I have to learn to love who I am now as well. The negative thoughts that I have now must stop now. I can’t be as naive to believe that my negative thoughts will vanish with the weight, because frankly, I’m starting to believe that no matter how much weight I lose, I will never be good enough — to me.
This revelation, however painful, is necessary for me to be successful. It’s almost as if my body is holding on to my excess weight despite the fact that I’ve stuck to my plan. My body is holding on to the security blanket that I’ve allowed myself to hide behind the majority of my life. The overwhelming stress of just existing in life as me, is keeping me fat.
I have a lot of work ahead of me… emotionally, physically, mentally…
It’s so odd how the easy part of this has been the eating properly and exercising… how backwards is that. I know that I’m facing a plateau at the moment… but this part has been easy. My biggest struggles so far have been my thoughts and my negativity towards myself. If someone would have told me 2 months ago when I started this journey that my mind would be my biggest challenge in this, I would have laughed…
335.6, 58.5 body fat.
We’ve heard it a million times… “Nothing tastes as good as THIN feels”… yet… I’ve never really experienced what that’s like — in my life. However, I’m not there yet. I’ve just begun on this journey of mine. I have a lot to experience, but so far — being thinner is living up to this adage.
I’m finding it easier to make better choices because I’m so determined to be thin. In the past, when attempting to lose weight, I always just thought, “I’ll lose a few pounds so that I can be average.” I always thought that THIN was a myth for me. This is especially true since my family spent my entire life telling me that I had ‘big bones’, so I always assumed that I would just have to deal with being on the heavier side.
Not this time… I am going ALL IN. I can’t wait to feel what this feels like. I’m already feeling some of this. Things as small as my clothing fitting a lot better and my jeans not cutting into my stomach — nothing I can eat will match feeling better as me.
So… even though I’m not “thin”, I am “thin-ner”[although any sane person would say “less fat” as opposed to thinner, but hey, it sounds better] and I’m on my way towards being a better me.
Side note… I have been stagnant on my weight loss recently. Although it appears that I dropped a pound, it’s a lot slower than my 3 lb a week trend that I’ve been on. However, I did start tracking my body fat (and it’s a good thing I did). I’m currently down about 3% body fat, which would probably account for my “plateau”. I still see it as a victory as I plug along on this weight loss journey.
338.2 – 22.4 pounds lost.
Lately I’ve been more ashamed of my weight than I’ve probably ever have been in my entire life. I guess now that I’ve gotten my eating habits under control. I realized how much I ate unnecessarily. I would start my day off with Chick Fil A and end it with Chipotle. Shoveling unneeded calories down my trap every day. How was I so disillusioned that I thought that was ok? Why didn’t anyone who loved me, stop me and say WTF are you doing to yourself. It’s like they are afraid to hurt my feelings. Would they rather me end up dead?
I’ve picked up on subtle looks from people when I order something like a salad and hold the croutons and ask for light or fat free dressing. Or when I’m out with friends at a bar and I order a turkey burger with no bun and hold the fries. I get looks like, “Really, why even bother?”. I want to scream out to them and let them know that I’m reconstructing my life. That really, I’m one of them — I’m a part of the fit club, I just haven’t reaped all of the benefits of it yet. I feel judged and I feel like I have a big sign on my back that says “Laugh at me, I think I can lose 200 pounds”.
What if I fail at this? What if I gain everything back like I did last time? I don’t think I could handle it to be honest. Maybe that’s how I know that I will be successful this time? Because I know that failure, this time only, is NOT an option. If I go back to that place, where I had given up hope, or back to that place where I just figured I was meant to be fat for ever — I don’t think I could live like that anymore.
And so I go on… secretly wishing to be a part of the slim kids club. Silently pleading to them to admit me early — before my outsides matches my insides.