Things I’ve learned… and um… Re-learned, Part 2


The last few months have been really trying on my fitness and weight loss goals.  I’ve maintained when I should be in serious losing phase.  I’m not making excuses, simply observations to make me get better in the long run.  Some things that I’ve learned about myself:

I push myself way too hard.  I tend to go at full capacity, then when there’s nothing left of me I blame myself for failing.  I don’t even give myself a break for all of the hard work and effort that I put forth every day.  I need to lighten up, this journey is a lifestyle change, not a sprint.  I have to be ready to not only roll with the punches but also to slow down and give myself kudos for my accomplishments.

I tend to lose motivation.  I work a lot… and by a lot… I mean a lot.  My work weeks have been 60+ hours now for a few months.  It’s not only tiresome but draining and it leaves me too tired to do much of anything.  In addition to working so much, I’m also taking 9 credits in school and I have a 4.0.  The compromise has been exercise and sleep.  An extremely deadly mix for a healthy body.  What happens when my weight loss fails due to this deadly combo?  I lose all hope and I go off of the deep end.  I go back to the rich foods that comforted me and next thing I know I’ve gained 10 pounds.

I need a buddy.  I need to find someone that will hold me accountable when things in my life gets hectic.  I’m finding that everything is fine and dandy on the fitness level when I’m not working myself to death and during breaks from school.  I am like a drill Sargent during those times.  But when my work load gets out of hand and I have term papers due at midnight, I start to slip back into my ways.  I stop tracking my food, the gym sessions become further in between and I start snacking as a means of feeling better.

I can be inspirational.  A quote that’s kept me up at nights recently is “Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.”  Richard Evans said that and I want to kiss him for it.  It’s so true.  We always see that thin and fit person and we start to feel badly for ourselves, well at least I know I do sometimes.  But the truth of the matter is that they started somewhere as well.  They have a journey, whether it was losing weight and getting fit after pregnancy or finally meeting their goal weight after a year long struggle.  That’s just it, everyone started somewhere. So shall I.

Knowing these things about myself will only get me even closer to my fitness goals.  Now that school has ended for the semester, I’m going to treat myself to some awesome workouts and some home cooked healthy foods.  My body can’t wait for it.  I deserve it.

I’m still here… just going one step at a time, learning one day at a time!

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Things I’ve Learned… and um… Re-Learned – Part 1

330.2 lbs, still 30.4 lbs lost >;.<;

I feel a bit reflective of the journey that I decided to begin 13 weeks ago. I wanted to take this time to share some things that I’ve learned over the past few months. This also gives me an excuse to make a list 🙂

I’m stronger than I thought. I always thought of myself as being strong, but only when it came to dealing with work related things, or school tasks or even fighting for something that I believed in. But never did I think I could take on myself. I’ve attempted to lose weight in the past, but always failed because I did not arm myself with the knowledge and support needed to simply make it happen. I’ve always been able to help others, but never myself. Now I’ve learned that I do matter and that I must take the time out for me.

I’m a bit prejudiced towards unhealthy eaters. At first, I thought it was towards fat people, because seeing us [I’m not too crazy to not include myself lol] reminds me of something that I’m desperately trying to escape, an escape that I’ve failed many times in the past. But after some consideration, I realized that I’ve become prejudiced towards anyone that’s eating unhealthily. I was in a food court at the mall and I grabbed a salad at the salad bar [so yummy] and there was this toned, thin girl eating her heart out. She had to have about 1300 calories in front of her, and she was just munching away. This was a few weeks ago, maybe even a month ago. That’s when I realized that my disdain for people eating shitty food extended to anyone. If I were to be honest with myself [What other way should I be, really], I would have to say that I have mixed emotions about it. a) I’m jealous, because there’s a part of me that misses mindless eating and the comforts of comfort foods. b) I’m angry, because of the fact that our country makes crap food like that easier and more readily available than fresh foods. c) I’m sad that there are people in the world that would still scarf down 1300 calories in one sitting. I mean, that was ME 3 months ago. Let’s be even more honest, that COULD be ME 3 months from now, if I was to follow the trend that I have in my past.

I’m jealous of the body that’s forming under all of my fat. I can feel the muscle mass under my fat and it’s making me become so impatient to shed the weight. Exercising is creating a great framework for the future me and I am so ready for it to replace this me. I can see definition in my legs, my arms, my calves are like rocks. If only… lol. I know I have to be patient, but I don’t wanna.

I have to allow myself to fail. I’ve been so freaking hard on myself, in my post about De-Cluttering your life in order to lose weight, I referenced how stress can keep us from losing weight. Well I really think I was stressing myself out about losing weight. I believe I was way too stressed, and way too hard on myself. So, I’m adding in failure to the mix, as long as I learn from the failure, and continue on the next day with the program — it’s ok. Some failure is ok… I didn’t get this way overnight, and since the reason why I am this way is mostly due to my lack of education around fitness and eating right, then I have to expect to fail — at least a little.

I am a muncher. I like to eat for the sake of eating. So this is the funny part, this is a newly developed habit. My issue with gaining so much weight has always been that I ate the wrong stuff and only would eat 1-2 times a day because of my work schedule. I never really had a “snacking” issue. But now that my metabolism is RIDICULOUS, I’ve turned into a snacker. This can be dangerous without the proper planning, so I always make sure that I have baggies filled with foods that I am allowed to eat, measured out. I started making 0 point snacks like kale chips [so crunchy and oh so yummy].

I have epic gas. Ok, so this is probably one I should have left in the closet. But come on, seriously? I can’t be the only one. So many veggies and so much tooting. I just thought I’d throw that out there.

I labeled this one as Part 1 because I want to always reflect on what I’ve learned so that I can use it as fuel to get better.

Motivational Quote:

“A little reflection will show us that every belief, even the simplest and most fundamental, goes beyond experience when regarded as a guide to our actions.” – William Kingdon Clifford

Nothing tastes as good as thin…ner feels.

335.6, 58.5 body fat.

We’ve heard it a million times… “Nothing tastes as good as THIN feels”… yet… I’ve never really experienced what that’s like — in my life.  However, I’m not there yet.  I’ve just begun on this journey of mine.  I have a lot to experience, but so far — being thinner is living up to this adage.

I’m finding it easier to make better choices because I’m so determined to be thin.  In the past, when attempting to lose weight, I always just thought, “I’ll lose a few pounds so that I can be average.”  I always thought that THIN was a myth for me.  This is especially true since my family spent my entire life telling me that I had ‘big bones’, so I always assumed that I would just have to deal with being on the heavier side.

Not this time… I am going ALL IN.  I can’t wait to feel what this feels like.  I’m already feeling some of this.  Things as small as my clothing fitting a lot better and my jeans not cutting into my stomach — nothing I can eat will match feeling better as me.

So… even though I’m not “thin”, I am “thin-ner”[although any sane person would say “less fat” as opposed to thinner, but hey, it sounds better] and I’m on my way towards being a better me.

Side note… I have been stagnant on my weight loss recently.  Although it appears that I dropped a pound, it’s a lot slower than my 3 lb a week trend that I’ve been on.  However, I did start tracking my body fat (and it’s a good thing I did).  I’m currently down about 3% body fat, which would probably account for my “plateau”.  I still see it as  a victory as I plug along on this weight loss journey.

 

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…

You are my worst enemy, but also my best friend…

My worst enemy because you are a reminder of all of the bad choices I’ve made in my life thus far.  You show me my true self, not as my mind perceives me, but as my eyes do.  You cut me deep when I feel progress and then I’m shocked into reality.  When I congratulate myself when my jeans feel looser, you are there to knock me down, only to remind me that I am still a fat ass, and regardless of what progress I’ve made, I still have a really long way to go.  You are the cause of many nights that I can’t sleep because I’m busy thinking about how life would have been if I had  made different, better choices.  Your images are there when I’m on the treadmill huffing it at 3.3 mph fighting my way towards my 5k goal each day, and a slim person jumps on the treadmill right beside me and goes full force 10 mph or higher — your images show me just why I’m limited.  The pictures you show me haunt me.  When I’m getting ready to go out with my friends and I feel better, pretty for once — one glance into your abyss and I’m reminded of why I’m here — how I got here and how much of a journey it will be to make you reflect what I feel inside.  You’ve lowered my self esteem for many years — as far back as I can remember.

Yet you’re my best friend.  You never lie to me.  Your images are always true.  You’re there to remind me of the bad decisions I’ve made so that I can be reminded of reasons not to make them again.  When you cut me deep when I feel progress, I’m reminded of the last time that I fell off the wagon because I celebrated too soon — I didn’t use your images to keep me on track.  So, now you’re here to keep me focused.  When I’m on the treadmill feeling like my hard work is pointless, your images show me what the scale sometimes can not — muscle is denser than fat.  The pictures you show me, haunt me in order to keep me from going backwards, from falling off of the wagon, you keep me motivated.

You are a sweet serendipity.  I know that I must perceive your message in the right way in order for me to be successful, THIS TIME.  I will have you as my best friend, I welcome you fully and with open arms.

Food… BAH!

336.6 – 24 Pounds lost.

So, I have this fear that the “plan” that I am on is all wrong and that maybe I’m fad dieting but just unaware of it.  Yeah, I feel as though I can do this for the rest of my life, but that’s so easy to say only 6 true weeks into it.  I am not following any program, but simply doing what I think is right and what feels right to me.  Only, I suddenly got this fear early this morning that maybe I’ll see success now, because I have SO much weight to lose, and any reduction in my daily caloric intake will shed some pounds.  But what about as I get closer and closer to my goal weight?

The “What if” monster is really showing off today… I guess a lot of these questions need not be answered today, so I need not stress over it?

One thing that I have noticed, however, is that I don’t like eating anything heavy.  I’m okay when I eat a light salad, or munch on some grapes, or eat a piece of fruit or cheese.  But when I eat a full grown meal, I feel heavy and gross and fat.  So maybe it’s my portion sizes when I cook actual meals?

For instance… I created a stuffed pepper recipe that is stuffed with ground turkey and topped with sharp white cheddar.  Let me tell you, it’s amazing — and if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my lifestyle change, then bring it on.  However, I ate two of them [well technically one since it was cut in half before I “stuffed” them]  and I felt like death walking.  I felt heavy, I didn’t want to exercise, and I just felt, BLAH.

So, maybe it could be that my portion sizes are off?

Granted, I would have probably ate all six of them 2 months ago when I started on this weight loss journey.  But now — maybe eating just 1 would have sufficed.  It’s hard to believe that my stomach shrunk so much in so little time that such a small amount of food would be satisfying.

I have been getting extremely good at listening to my body.  and I think I need to start eating slower in general and stopping when I’m satisfied.  I know this makes sense in theory, but in practice, I put two peppers on my plate, so I ate two peppers.  I didn’t stop between eating them to see if  my appetite had changed.

I’m thinking this is even more important with me not eating a set amount of times a day and simply eating when I’m hungry.  I’ve found out that on some days I am content with eating only once and others I can eat up to four times.  Small portions and just listening to what my body is telling me.

So, Lesson learned — Stomach smaller = less food (even the healthy stuff)!

…but here I am!

I have to start over…

But how do you do that when all you know in life is different.

1) I’m on my own.  He moved back home to be with his family.  I’m happy that he has someone to help cope with things, but that leaves me on my own.  Single. Single Income.  & Alone with My thoughts [these are dangerous for me].

2) I’m fat.  I chose to change my life today.  Starting with my weight.  My weight and the lack of love I have for myself was the foundation for my failed relationship.  I have to learn to love me.

3) I’m still bitter.  I’m surrounded by friends who are smaller than I am, married, have wonderful families.  Sometimes I want to tell them to fuck off or kick rocks — but that’s just not lady like.

Before I can begin to even THINK of a new life and a fresh new start, I have to analyze what I want.  Why am I here, WHAT WILL BE MY LEGACY?  Okay, maybe not that serious, I mean after all I’m just an average girl trapped inside of a popular girl who’s also trapped inside of an obese 29 year old’s body.

I’m going to start by taking control of the things I can control.  I can control what I put in my pie hole [that’s my mouth for those who aren’t as random as I am] AND I can control if I get off my ass and exercise.  Control is exactly what I need right now in my life of things seemingly falling apart rapidly.

Here’s the Anti…

1) 360.6 Starting Weight [cringe]

2) Size 26 pant [oh god]

3) Size 12W shoe [bah]

4) Weight Loss Goal: 200 pounds

and so it begins…