Truth #2

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Fact: I’m a heathen. When I was younger, I was a devout Christian and I went to church every Sunday and bible study every Monday and Wednesday. I spent holidays doing things for the church and I faithfully gave to the church that I belonged to. Now, I stumble my way through life not really knowing what to believe in. I didn’t make a decision to not follow a faith, at least I don’t remember intentionally making a decision. It’s like I fell out of religion. When a series of unfortunate events occurred in my life, I fell away from everyone, God included. I’d like to think that my faith was strong — it took a lot to get me to the point where I didn’t believe in anything anymore. Ever since, I’ve adapted a theory of having a sound set of personal values and sticking to them. My guilt around not believing in there being a God has fueled my hatred of myself. I’ve been ashamed of this for so many years, it’s quietly tucked in the background and lurks in my mind.

Positive: I know that I’m a good person, and I know I’m not the only one that struggles with beliefs. I also need to understand that it’s never too late to go back to my old beliefs. I don’t think that I could stand “organized religion”, as of yet — but what’s stopping me from picking up a bible and reading? Easing my way back into what I felt before? Or who’s to say that my current belief system is wrong? Maybe I should shed the guilt and keep on with my life the way it’s been? The jury is still out on this, but I do think that I should drop the guilt regardless, and let my faith be something that comes to me when I’m ready to receive it.

Confessions…

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I was sitting thinking yesterday, I know, that could have ended up badly — but anyway, I was thinking and I came up with an idea that would help me get over some of the things that I see as being bad about myself.  I figured that I should have simple confessions about myself.  These will be the things that I usually associate with being negative.  I will confess to a fact about myself and then I will come up with positive things that can be used to replace the previous negative thought about myself.

I figured I’d do this for a month or until I run out of them.  Seems like a good idea, so I’ll give it a try.  Wish me luck 🙂

So, this is new.

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For those of you that have been following my blog for a bit, you have seen me stumble through my weight loss journey, learning things as I go and doing my best to really know who I am and succeed with losing weight – this time for keeps. As I’ve been learning and growing, each set back teaches me something. Each lesson has brought me closer to truly understanding how I got the way that I am and that knowledge has given me a road map to figure out how to get to my goal.

Today, something happened to me that was so different. So profound that I didn’t know what to do with it originally. I had the day off and decided that I deserved a lazy day. What I didn’t expect was the overwhelming wave of loneliness to hit me like a truck. I started sobbing. Not like your average sobbing, but gut wrenching, pit-of-the-stomach sobbing. It was uncontrollable and I could not stop it until it ran it’s course. In one of my very first posts, It wasn’t supposed to be like this…, I went through all of the reasons why I started this entire mission. One of the biggest issues of my failed relationship was my inability to love myself.

Many of us have self image issues, and I’m not down playing anyone’s past (or present), but my view of myself is extremely low. It’s been something that started many moons ago. Back when I was sexually assaulted at a very young age and something that continued on through being sexually assaulted again as an adult. I’ve always been overweight, even as a kid. I don’t want to get into the traumatizing situations I’ve been in due to my size — if you heard it once you’ve heard it a million times. Kids can be harsh. My point is that I’ve never had a healthy image of myself. So when I got into a relationship, I let the love that my ex had for me substitute the love that I should have had for myself.

This leads me to earlier today — during my sobbing session. I was so empty that it was a scary thought to even have. I wanted to just disappear (still want to slightly). Now that I’m single and working through all of my inner tangles, I realize that the last 10 months have been full of bravado. I have been putting on such a show to keep myself from falling apart. I’ve been through so much in life that it’s my usual reaction — suck it up and tough it out. Only now, I’m alone and I’m feeling extremely vulnerable — I don’t do vulnerable. Vulnerable isn’t even in my vocabulary.

How do I love myself? I’m not quite sure, but it’s definitely something that’s holding me back. I’m starting to have the fear that even if I were to lose weight, I wouldn’t be happy. I’ve associated my ultimate happiness with losing weight for so long that I’ve blamed all of my unhappiness on it. My fat has been my soul’s scapegoat. It’s been a way to look past the underlying issues in my life and ultimately has given me a centralized focus towards “happiness”. But darn near 60 pounds later, I’m starting to realize that I have been horribly mistaken.

I eventually will have to look myself in the face and like what I see, not aesthetically, but internally. I’m not completely sure how to do this. But I truly feel like I’m on the right track. Knowing is half of the battle, right?

Things I’ve learned… and um… Re-learned, Part 2


The last few months have been really trying on my fitness and weight loss goals.  I’ve maintained when I should be in serious losing phase.  I’m not making excuses, simply observations to make me get better in the long run.  Some things that I’ve learned about myself:

I push myself way too hard.  I tend to go at full capacity, then when there’s nothing left of me I blame myself for failing.  I don’t even give myself a break for all of the hard work and effort that I put forth every day.  I need to lighten up, this journey is a lifestyle change, not a sprint.  I have to be ready to not only roll with the punches but also to slow down and give myself kudos for my accomplishments.

I tend to lose motivation.  I work a lot… and by a lot… I mean a lot.  My work weeks have been 60+ hours now for a few months.  It’s not only tiresome but draining and it leaves me too tired to do much of anything.  In addition to working so much, I’m also taking 9 credits in school and I have a 4.0.  The compromise has been exercise and sleep.  An extremely deadly mix for a healthy body.  What happens when my weight loss fails due to this deadly combo?  I lose all hope and I go off of the deep end.  I go back to the rich foods that comforted me and next thing I know I’ve gained 10 pounds.

I need a buddy.  I need to find someone that will hold me accountable when things in my life gets hectic.  I’m finding that everything is fine and dandy on the fitness level when I’m not working myself to death and during breaks from school.  I am like a drill Sargent during those times.  But when my work load gets out of hand and I have term papers due at midnight, I start to slip back into my ways.  I stop tracking my food, the gym sessions become further in between and I start snacking as a means of feeling better.

I can be inspirational.  A quote that’s kept me up at nights recently is “Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.”  Richard Evans said that and I want to kiss him for it.  It’s so true.  We always see that thin and fit person and we start to feel badly for ourselves, well at least I know I do sometimes.  But the truth of the matter is that they started somewhere as well.  They have a journey, whether it was losing weight and getting fit after pregnancy or finally meeting their goal weight after a year long struggle.  That’s just it, everyone started somewhere. So shall I.

Knowing these things about myself will only get me even closer to my fitness goals.  Now that school has ended for the semester, I’m going to treat myself to some awesome workouts and some home cooked healthy foods.  My body can’t wait for it.  I deserve it.

I’m still here… just going one step at a time, learning one day at a time!

Things I’ve Learned… and um… Re-Learned – Part 1

330.2 lbs, still 30.4 lbs lost >;.<;

I feel a bit reflective of the journey that I decided to begin 13 weeks ago. I wanted to take this time to share some things that I’ve learned over the past few months. This also gives me an excuse to make a list 🙂

I’m stronger than I thought. I always thought of myself as being strong, but only when it came to dealing with work related things, or school tasks or even fighting for something that I believed in. But never did I think I could take on myself. I’ve attempted to lose weight in the past, but always failed because I did not arm myself with the knowledge and support needed to simply make it happen. I’ve always been able to help others, but never myself. Now I’ve learned that I do matter and that I must take the time out for me.

I’m a bit prejudiced towards unhealthy eaters. At first, I thought it was towards fat people, because seeing us [I’m not too crazy to not include myself lol] reminds me of something that I’m desperately trying to escape, an escape that I’ve failed many times in the past. But after some consideration, I realized that I’ve become prejudiced towards anyone that’s eating unhealthily. I was in a food court at the mall and I grabbed a salad at the salad bar [so yummy] and there was this toned, thin girl eating her heart out. She had to have about 1300 calories in front of her, and she was just munching away. This was a few weeks ago, maybe even a month ago. That’s when I realized that my disdain for people eating shitty food extended to anyone. If I were to be honest with myself [What other way should I be, really], I would have to say that I have mixed emotions about it. a) I’m jealous, because there’s a part of me that misses mindless eating and the comforts of comfort foods. b) I’m angry, because of the fact that our country makes crap food like that easier and more readily available than fresh foods. c) I’m sad that there are people in the world that would still scarf down 1300 calories in one sitting. I mean, that was ME 3 months ago. Let’s be even more honest, that COULD be ME 3 months from now, if I was to follow the trend that I have in my past.

I’m jealous of the body that’s forming under all of my fat. I can feel the muscle mass under my fat and it’s making me become so impatient to shed the weight. Exercising is creating a great framework for the future me and I am so ready for it to replace this me. I can see definition in my legs, my arms, my calves are like rocks. If only… lol. I know I have to be patient, but I don’t wanna.

I have to allow myself to fail. I’ve been so freaking hard on myself, in my post about De-Cluttering your life in order to lose weight, I referenced how stress can keep us from losing weight. Well I really think I was stressing myself out about losing weight. I believe I was way too stressed, and way too hard on myself. So, I’m adding in failure to the mix, as long as I learn from the failure, and continue on the next day with the program — it’s ok. Some failure is ok… I didn’t get this way overnight, and since the reason why I am this way is mostly due to my lack of education around fitness and eating right, then I have to expect to fail — at least a little.

I am a muncher. I like to eat for the sake of eating. So this is the funny part, this is a newly developed habit. My issue with gaining so much weight has always been that I ate the wrong stuff and only would eat 1-2 times a day because of my work schedule. I never really had a “snacking” issue. But now that my metabolism is RIDICULOUS, I’ve turned into a snacker. This can be dangerous without the proper planning, so I always make sure that I have baggies filled with foods that I am allowed to eat, measured out. I started making 0 point snacks like kale chips [so crunchy and oh so yummy].

I have epic gas. Ok, so this is probably one I should have left in the closet. But come on, seriously? I can’t be the only one. So many veggies and so much tooting. I just thought I’d throw that out there.

I labeled this one as Part 1 because I want to always reflect on what I’ve learned so that I can use it as fuel to get better.

Motivational Quote:

“A little reflection will show us that every belief, even the simplest and most fundamental, goes beyond experience when regarded as a guide to our actions.” – William Kingdon Clifford

Hello… is this thing on? HELLO!

331.2 – 29.4 pounds lost so far

So I’ve been MIA for a bit. Not for a particular reason, I’ve been lurking around, reading other’s posts, commenting here and there. Mainly because I’ve been trying to make myself feel better and get motivated and even more inspired to push forward towards my weight lost goals.

I’m learning so much and it’s great to see how things are coming along with this entire new lifestyle that I’ve chosen.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED SO FAR:

1) My friends are a bad influence. I seem to make poor decisions around them. So until I can be strong around them, I am staying away from them. They do not seem to respect and support my decisions, therefore — I must separate myself from them temporarily.

2) Mistakes will happen. I’ve tripped up and fallen along the way. Like the night I ate an entire box of skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. I mean they were yummy, but it was the first time that I experienced (or identified) emotional eating habits. My boss was a jerk to me, so I felt like hell and a loser, so I ate an entire box of ice cream. Now, it wasn’t in one sitting, but who cares — it was one day, throughout the day, and it ended up being an entire box.

3) I’ve reached out for help. I got a personal trainer. This has been a fantastic experience for me and the trainer that I found is worth every penny I pay her. She seems just as excited about my goals as I am and she’s truly into making me a healthy person — all around. I love it!

4) I’m following a regimen now. At first I was just making healthier choices, but I still had in the back of my mind that I was doing something horribly wrong. So I’m doing South Beach for the sake of doing South Beach and it’s more of a mental thing because I have a program that has proven to work for so many people, now. My eating habits were actually more restrictive than this diet and maybe that will help me prevent those nights when I want to eat an entire box of icecream. Although this has only happened once — I’d like to avoid binge eating at all costs.

5) I don’t really have a number 5, I just like lists.

So, I do plan on elaborating a bit on the friends comment because that’s been something weighing heavily on me. But I’ve been up for about 20 hours and worked 12 of them, including a 90 min workout session with my trainer today. So… I’m pooped.

I am my own worst enemy…

A lot has changed in the last week.  I haven’t decided if it’s for the better or not… not yet.

I’ve stuck with my restrictive diet completely.  I’m learning and researching as I go.  But I’m stuck at the same weight I was 2 weeks ago.

I’ve had some really bad thoughts lately and they all stem from feeling like I’m failing at this already.  I feel my will power slipping away and I’m drastically grabbing at it trying to hold on as much as I can.  Now, I don’t mean that I want to revert back to how I was — because honestly, I’ve come to despise the foods and eating habits that got me to where I am currently.  Truly despise them… BUT that drive that I felt starting this outrageous journey is slipping away from me.  Doubt is starting to creep in and I’m simply feeling god awful about it.

For so long, I’ve had a poor self image and I’ve always equated that with just me being overweight.  I’ve simply thought that my self esteem was non existent because I hated myself for being fat.  I’m starting to realize that even if I would hit my goal weight tomorrow (I could only wish) — that there are still unresolved issues that I have about me in general.  I thought that I could focus solely on the things I can easily control [what I put in my mouth and what I did with my body], but I’m slowly finding that to not be the case.

I think that I have to learn to love who I am now as well.  The negative thoughts that I have now must stop now.  I can’t be as naive to believe that my negative thoughts will vanish with the weight, because frankly, I’m starting to believe that no matter how much weight I lose, I will never be good enough — to me.

This revelation, however painful, is necessary for me to be successful.  It’s almost as if my body is holding on to my excess weight despite the fact that I’ve stuck to my plan.  My body is holding on to the security blanket that I’ve allowed myself to hide behind the majority of my life.  The overwhelming stress of just existing in life as me, is keeping me fat.

I have a lot of work ahead of me… emotionally, physically, mentally…

It’s so odd how the easy part of this has been the eating properly and exercising… how backwards is that.  I know that I’m facing a plateau at the moment… but this part has been easy.  My biggest struggles so far have been my thoughts and my negativity towards myself.  If someone would have told me 2 months ago when I started this journey that my mind would be my biggest challenge in this, I would have laughed…