Truth #2

2

Fact: I’m a heathen. When I was younger, I was a devout Christian and I went to church every Sunday and bible study every Monday and Wednesday. I spent holidays doing things for the church and I faithfully gave to the church that I belonged to. Now, I stumble my way through life not really knowing what to believe in. I didn’t make a decision to not follow a faith, at least I don’t remember intentionally making a decision. It’s like I fell out of religion. When a series of unfortunate events occurred in my life, I fell away from everyone, God included. I’d like to think that my faith was strong — it took a lot to get me to the point where I didn’t believe in anything anymore. Ever since, I’ve adapted a theory of having a sound set of personal values and sticking to them. My guilt around not believing in there being a God has fueled my hatred of myself. I’ve been ashamed of this for so many years, it’s quietly tucked in the background and lurks in my mind.

Positive: I know that I’m a good person, and I know I’m not the only one that struggles with beliefs. I also need to understand that it’s never too late to go back to my old beliefs. I don’t think that I could stand “organized religion”, as of yet — but what’s stopping me from picking up a bible and reading? Easing my way back into what I felt before? Or who’s to say that my current belief system is wrong? Maybe I should shed the guilt and keep on with my life the way it’s been? The jury is still out on this, but I do think that I should drop the guilt regardless, and let my faith be something that comes to me when I’m ready to receive it.

Things I’ve learned… and um… Re-learned, Part 2


The last few months have been really trying on my fitness and weight loss goals.  I’ve maintained when I should be in serious losing phase.  I’m not making excuses, simply observations to make me get better in the long run.  Some things that I’ve learned about myself:

I push myself way too hard.  I tend to go at full capacity, then when there’s nothing left of me I blame myself for failing.  I don’t even give myself a break for all of the hard work and effort that I put forth every day.  I need to lighten up, this journey is a lifestyle change, not a sprint.  I have to be ready to not only roll with the punches but also to slow down and give myself kudos for my accomplishments.

I tend to lose motivation.  I work a lot… and by a lot… I mean a lot.  My work weeks have been 60+ hours now for a few months.  It’s not only tiresome but draining and it leaves me too tired to do much of anything.  In addition to working so much, I’m also taking 9 credits in school and I have a 4.0.  The compromise has been exercise and sleep.  An extremely deadly mix for a healthy body.  What happens when my weight loss fails due to this deadly combo?  I lose all hope and I go off of the deep end.  I go back to the rich foods that comforted me and next thing I know I’ve gained 10 pounds.

I need a buddy.  I need to find someone that will hold me accountable when things in my life gets hectic.  I’m finding that everything is fine and dandy on the fitness level when I’m not working myself to death and during breaks from school.  I am like a drill Sargent during those times.  But when my work load gets out of hand and I have term papers due at midnight, I start to slip back into my ways.  I stop tracking my food, the gym sessions become further in between and I start snacking as a means of feeling better.

I can be inspirational.  A quote that’s kept me up at nights recently is “Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.”  Richard Evans said that and I want to kiss him for it.  It’s so true.  We always see that thin and fit person and we start to feel badly for ourselves, well at least I know I do sometimes.  But the truth of the matter is that they started somewhere as well.  They have a journey, whether it was losing weight and getting fit after pregnancy or finally meeting their goal weight after a year long struggle.  That’s just it, everyone started somewhere. So shall I.

Knowing these things about myself will only get me even closer to my fitness goals.  Now that school has ended for the semester, I’m going to treat myself to some awesome workouts and some home cooked healthy foods.  My body can’t wait for it.  I deserve it.

I’m still here… just going one step at a time, learning one day at a time!

Hello… is this thing on? HELLO!

331.2 – 29.4 pounds lost so far

So I’ve been MIA for a bit. Not for a particular reason, I’ve been lurking around, reading other’s posts, commenting here and there. Mainly because I’ve been trying to make myself feel better and get motivated and even more inspired to push forward towards my weight lost goals.

I’m learning so much and it’s great to see how things are coming along with this entire new lifestyle that I’ve chosen.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED SO FAR:

1) My friends are a bad influence. I seem to make poor decisions around them. So until I can be strong around them, I am staying away from them. They do not seem to respect and support my decisions, therefore — I must separate myself from them temporarily.

2) Mistakes will happen. I’ve tripped up and fallen along the way. Like the night I ate an entire box of skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. I mean they were yummy, but it was the first time that I experienced (or identified) emotional eating habits. My boss was a jerk to me, so I felt like hell and a loser, so I ate an entire box of ice cream. Now, it wasn’t in one sitting, but who cares — it was one day, throughout the day, and it ended up being an entire box.

3) I’ve reached out for help. I got a personal trainer. This has been a fantastic experience for me and the trainer that I found is worth every penny I pay her. She seems just as excited about my goals as I am and she’s truly into making me a healthy person — all around. I love it!

4) I’m following a regimen now. At first I was just making healthier choices, but I still had in the back of my mind that I was doing something horribly wrong. So I’m doing South Beach for the sake of doing South Beach and it’s more of a mental thing because I have a program that has proven to work for so many people, now. My eating habits were actually more restrictive than this diet and maybe that will help me prevent those nights when I want to eat an entire box of icecream. Although this has only happened once — I’d like to avoid binge eating at all costs.

5) I don’t really have a number 5, I just like lists.

So, I do plan on elaborating a bit on the friends comment because that’s been something weighing heavily on me. But I’ve been up for about 20 hours and worked 12 of them, including a 90 min workout session with my trainer today. So… I’m pooped.

Food… BAH!

336.6 – 24 Pounds lost.

So, I have this fear that the “plan” that I am on is all wrong and that maybe I’m fad dieting but just unaware of it.  Yeah, I feel as though I can do this for the rest of my life, but that’s so easy to say only 6 true weeks into it.  I am not following any program, but simply doing what I think is right and what feels right to me.  Only, I suddenly got this fear early this morning that maybe I’ll see success now, because I have SO much weight to lose, and any reduction in my daily caloric intake will shed some pounds.  But what about as I get closer and closer to my goal weight?

The “What if” monster is really showing off today… I guess a lot of these questions need not be answered today, so I need not stress over it?

One thing that I have noticed, however, is that I don’t like eating anything heavy.  I’m okay when I eat a light salad, or munch on some grapes, or eat a piece of fruit or cheese.  But when I eat a full grown meal, I feel heavy and gross and fat.  So maybe it’s my portion sizes when I cook actual meals?

For instance… I created a stuffed pepper recipe that is stuffed with ground turkey and topped with sharp white cheddar.  Let me tell you, it’s amazing — and if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my lifestyle change, then bring it on.  However, I ate two of them [well technically one since it was cut in half before I “stuffed” them]  and I felt like death walking.  I felt heavy, I didn’t want to exercise, and I just felt, BLAH.

So, maybe it could be that my portion sizes are off?

Granted, I would have probably ate all six of them 2 months ago when I started on this weight loss journey.  But now — maybe eating just 1 would have sufficed.  It’s hard to believe that my stomach shrunk so much in so little time that such a small amount of food would be satisfying.

I have been getting extremely good at listening to my body.  and I think I need to start eating slower in general and stopping when I’m satisfied.  I know this makes sense in theory, but in practice, I put two peppers on my plate, so I ate two peppers.  I didn’t stop between eating them to see if  my appetite had changed.

I’m thinking this is even more important with me not eating a set amount of times a day and simply eating when I’m hungry.  I’ve found out that on some days I am content with eating only once and others I can eat up to four times.  Small portions and just listening to what my body is telling me.

So, Lesson learned — Stomach smaller = less food (even the healthy stuff)!

Impatience…

336.6 – 24 Pounds Lost

I’m finding that I’m impatient. I’ve committed to myself that I will do this for the long haul. I’ve told myself that this is a lifestyle change and its ok. But now it’s just waiting. Day by day willing the weight to continue to fall off. Wishing that time would go by faster. Not necessarily that I could lose weight quicker — I definitely want to do it the right way. But I just wish that I had my revelation earlier in my life, maybe like a year ago lol. Then, maybe I would be further along on this journey.

I’ve been sailing along, but I know that their will be hiccups and I just want to get them over with already. I’m ready to be thin. I look in the mirror and I don’t see that my outsides match my insides and it’s beginning to frustrate me. I have to remind myself that it took 28 years for me to get this way, so it will take some time to fix this problem.

This is one of those situations where living in a culture of instant gratification backfires. I can’t just open up my web browser and search Amazon for “200 pounds lost” and think I will drop the weight with 2 day shipping with my Amazon Prime account. It’s not that easy. I have to stay committed, keep pushing, and most of all BE PATIENT.

It’s hard, but I know it’s necessary, therefore I must do it.