Truth #1

O#1

Fact: I’m extremely self critical.  I judge myself harder than anyone else could ever even imagine.  I don’t really give myself credit for anything.  This trait has always left me in a state that leaves me falling deeper and deeper into the abyss because I continually beat myself up even over the little things.

Positive: I’m usually able to make corrective action relatively quickly when it comes to my professional life.  In a work environment, I’m constantly aware of my short comings therefore I am able to come up with a plan to correct any issues that I have.  In my professional life, this trait manifests itself in a positive light and in my personal life it manifests in a negative one.  If I can see my personal life through the lens of my professional life, maybe I won’t be so hard on myself and then I could even learn to be more positive when it involves my personal affairs.

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Ode to Fat Girls:

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CLICKY!!

Ode to Fat Girls:.

I had to share this ^^ for one, it made me teary eyed and nothing makes me teary eyed. Every day, when I’m dragging all 330 pounds of me to the track to run, I feel every part of this post. It’s another perspective, one that I needed to hear. Even if no one really feels this way, these are the words I will now hear when I’m running and I see other, seasoned, runners.

Instead of feeling like crap because they passed me on the track or because their paces are 5 million times faster than mine [rough estimation] — I’m going to feel awesome that I’m out there. I’m going to give myself kudos because I’m actually out there busting my butt every day.

This is yet another reason why blogging [and reading blogs] has been an instrumental part of my weight loss journey.

Hello… is this thing on? HELLO!

331.2 – 29.4 pounds lost so far

So I’ve been MIA for a bit. Not for a particular reason, I’ve been lurking around, reading other’s posts, commenting here and there. Mainly because I’ve been trying to make myself feel better and get motivated and even more inspired to push forward towards my weight lost goals.

I’m learning so much and it’s great to see how things are coming along with this entire new lifestyle that I’ve chosen.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED SO FAR:

1) My friends are a bad influence. I seem to make poor decisions around them. So until I can be strong around them, I am staying away from them. They do not seem to respect and support my decisions, therefore — I must separate myself from them temporarily.

2) Mistakes will happen. I’ve tripped up and fallen along the way. Like the night I ate an entire box of skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. I mean they were yummy, but it was the first time that I experienced (or identified) emotional eating habits. My boss was a jerk to me, so I felt like hell and a loser, so I ate an entire box of ice cream. Now, it wasn’t in one sitting, but who cares — it was one day, throughout the day, and it ended up being an entire box.

3) I’ve reached out for help. I got a personal trainer. This has been a fantastic experience for me and the trainer that I found is worth every penny I pay her. She seems just as excited about my goals as I am and she’s truly into making me a healthy person — all around. I love it!

4) I’m following a regimen now. At first I was just making healthier choices, but I still had in the back of my mind that I was doing something horribly wrong. So I’m doing South Beach for the sake of doing South Beach and it’s more of a mental thing because I have a program that has proven to work for so many people, now. My eating habits were actually more restrictive than this diet and maybe that will help me prevent those nights when I want to eat an entire box of icecream. Although this has only happened once — I’d like to avoid binge eating at all costs.

5) I don’t really have a number 5, I just like lists.

So, I do plan on elaborating a bit on the friends comment because that’s been something weighing heavily on me. But I’ve been up for about 20 hours and worked 12 of them, including a 90 min workout session with my trainer today. So… I’m pooped.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…

You are my worst enemy, but also my best friend…

My worst enemy because you are a reminder of all of the bad choices I’ve made in my life thus far.  You show me my true self, not as my mind perceives me, but as my eyes do.  You cut me deep when I feel progress and then I’m shocked into reality.  When I congratulate myself when my jeans feel looser, you are there to knock me down, only to remind me that I am still a fat ass, and regardless of what progress I’ve made, I still have a really long way to go.  You are the cause of many nights that I can’t sleep because I’m busy thinking about how life would have been if I had  made different, better choices.  Your images are there when I’m on the treadmill huffing it at 3.3 mph fighting my way towards my 5k goal each day, and a slim person jumps on the treadmill right beside me and goes full force 10 mph or higher — your images show me just why I’m limited.  The pictures you show me haunt me.  When I’m getting ready to go out with my friends and I feel better, pretty for once — one glance into your abyss and I’m reminded of why I’m here — how I got here and how much of a journey it will be to make you reflect what I feel inside.  You’ve lowered my self esteem for many years — as far back as I can remember.

Yet you’re my best friend.  You never lie to me.  Your images are always true.  You’re there to remind me of the bad decisions I’ve made so that I can be reminded of reasons not to make them again.  When you cut me deep when I feel progress, I’m reminded of the last time that I fell off the wagon because I celebrated too soon — I didn’t use your images to keep me on track.  So, now you’re here to keep me focused.  When I’m on the treadmill feeling like my hard work is pointless, your images show me what the scale sometimes can not — muscle is denser than fat.  The pictures you show me, haunt me in order to keep me from going backwards, from falling off of the wagon, you keep me motivated.

You are a sweet serendipity.  I know that I must perceive your message in the right way in order for me to be successful, THIS TIME.  I will have you as my best friend, I welcome you fully and with open arms.

Well, hello there sweet Endorphins!!!

You’re my favorite neurotransmitter!

I wish I would have known about this dirty little secret to exercising when I was younger. Endorphins rock my socks and they make me so happy to be on this weight loss journey right now.

It makes me sad that my mother never forced me to play sports or exercise as a teen. I mean now that I think back I remember running and playing with my friends when I was younger and the sheer thrill of it was exhilarating. I wish I would have gotten to know what it was like to be an athlete. Although I can’t be completely sure that I would have maintained it, I can feel that had I been more involved in sports as a teen, I wouldn’t have ended up such a lardy adult.

So today I jogged 6k today. What made today’s 6k more miraculous than yesterday’s 5k is not that I went a further distance. I had a lot going against me and I still got up and went to the gym. mmmm another list, so yummy

Excuses that my old self would have used to not go to the gym today:

1)My gym partner bailed on me.

2)I ate stuffed peppers and felt all bloaty and heavy.

3)When I walked out of the door it was pouring down (I usually walk to my gym)… And I mean pouring… Monsoon like weather.

But, instead I put on my workout clothes and pulled on my running shoes, grabbed my water & my umbrella and left memories of my old decisions at the door.

I’m glad I did because the pay off was worth it. Almost orgasmic levels of endorphins rushed through me pushing me to hit the 6k point in my daily workout… Maybe I can do it again tomorrow!

Drumroll Please…

341.2 – 18.4 Pounds Lost…

Ok, not quite 20 pounds, but I feel so friggin close!!!

I had another good day yesterday.  I put on my running shoes and decided to hit the gym.  It was peaceful and I was basically the only one there.  I had my playlist all ready and walked into the gym. I ended up jogging 2.7 miles on my first day.  I was amazed at how easy it was to push myself.  Especially with a good pair of running shoes.  To be honest, I stopped because I got bored.  I’m thinking I’m going to set a goal of 5k every day.  I will hit over 20 miles a week with that goal and I think it’s more than doable.

The cool part of working out was that feeling when I got home and was just laying there feeling so successful.  I was dead tired and breathing heavily but I felt awesome.  I have to remember that feeling.  I have to let that moment motivate me to keep this up.  I will not fail.  I cannot fail.

While I was on the treadmill I kept saying to myself “340, 340!!”.  My new goals will be in 5 pound intervals from now on and  I will celebrate each as a major milestone and me achieving yet another great feat in my life.  I look forward towards my future now and it’s extremely exciting.